


Fix You

by Lala3434



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Carl Grimes Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Carl is a Little Shit, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Negan (Walking Dead), Protective Rick Grimes, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-04-24 05:08:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 39,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14348598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lala3434/pseuds/Lala3434
Summary: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut the teenage bullshit, you know I'm not going to let you just sit here and suffer, so can we just skip to the part where you stop acting like a rad ass bad ass and an ungrateful little bitch, and let me help you? Because that would save a lot of fucking time." Established Cegan fic. Carl has 99 problems and Negan wants to fix them all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Cegan, essentially established relationship fic. Carl is 18. It can stand alone, but I have further chapters already developed if there interest. Without going into much detail, it generally just is Carl being a little shit while suffering from after affects of losing his eye, but evolves in Negan realizing that Carl assumes he's only around for sex because, well, he doesn't really know any better. Eventually will explore more into the attempted rape scene in season 4, because who the fuck just glosses over that and opens that can of worms, and then never mentions it again lolol.
> 
> This is kind of bordering T and M, but there's nothing explicit (yet!).

It was past noon when Negan got curious and wandered back to find his kid. He hadn't seen a single sign of him around the Sanctuary this morning, which meant Carl, shockingly, must still be sleeping- which wasn't like him at all. The end of the world apocalypse thing meant less sleeping in and more kicking ass. Despite the fact that Carl was a teenager he generally slept extremely lightly. Drove Negan crazy, actually- half the time he wasn't sure if the kid even slept at all. Just another one of things that must have gone haywire in the kids brain over the past few years. Sleeping meant vulnerability. So for the kid to still be passed out at noon- well, it was a rarity. Possibly worrisome. But Negan pushed the thought to the back of his brain as he entered his room.

He found him exactly where he had left him, 6 hours ago, in their too comfortable-for-their-own-good bed. The only thing different about the kid from the last time he saw him was that Carl now had the comforter pulled over his entire head, despite the fact that it was hotter than hell in the room. How he was still sleeping like that he had no idea.

As he approached the bed he sang out "Go-o-od morning sunshine! Or should I say good fucking afternoon? Considering it's noon, and all." He expected Carl to stir at this- nothing. So he continued on. He had never seen Carl sleep like this- it wasn't exactly conducive to the "trust no one' environment he had been raised in to have a fucking comforter over your face with no idea what or who was coming to murder your ass.

"Look, I know last night was fun, and I probably wore you out, but it's time for you to get that perfect ass out of bed." He waited, smiling to himself at his smugness. Nothing. Not even a stir. Negan huffed, feeling himself getting slightly irritated now. He didn't like when Carl didn't play into his shenanigans.

"Well what, are you dead? Didn't think I fucked you that good." Another chuckle. Still Nothing. Okay, now he was really irritated. Or was that worry. No, definitely irritation. Negan didn't worry about anyone but himself, after all.

He walked a little closer to the bed, raised Lucille, and poked him gently. Nothing. Another poke, this time a lot harder. Nothing. Negans brow furrowed, feeling his annoyance turn into concern. Was the kid actually dead? He glanced around the room, his grip on Lucille growing tighter suddenly. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, besides the not stirring Carl and the fact that the comforter seemed to be smothering him to death in hell's furnace.

"Seriously." He said, more firmly this time. "Cut the shit, its time to get up kid." Yeah. That was worry in his voice. Fuck this kid.

He grabbed the comforter, forcibly pulling it down. Except he didn't get very far. Carl had a death grip on it, and pulled it back up over his head as fast as it could be pulled down. It took Negan by surprise, who breathed out a sigh of relief he didn't know he had been holding. Well. At least he he wasn't dead. Which in turn meant he was just being a little shit. Fuck this kid.

"What the fuck shit is wrong with you? You didn't hear me, or feel Lucille fucking poking at you? She's not something you should ignore, ya know?". Silence.

Then, finally, from under the comforter- "Do. you. ever. Shut. the. fuck. Up?" Carl said in a quiet but angry voice and Negan could literally feel the glare that Carl must have been throwing him with his eye. Again. Fuck this kid.

"Ah!" Negan said triumphantly throwing an animated hand up into the air, for no one to see of course. "It speaks! It lives!". He slid one knee on the bed, setting Lucille down and putting a hand on Carl through the comforter. He tried to pull it down again, slower this time, testing.

"Everything all good under there?" he said, peering over the comforter with his eyebrows raised like he was looking at a zoo creature that may or may not be ready to rip his eyeballs out. Carl didn't stir. "Be great if you shut up for two seconds." Carl mumbled. Negan shifted back a little, sighing, his eyes widening as he rubbed his forehead, trying not to lose his shit on the kid.

"Wow. You sure woke up on the shitting side of the bed this morning, huh? Actually, come to think of it, you haven't woken up at all, so. You're really testing me today, kid."

"Yeah, well you wouldn't wake up either if- ah! Fuck." Carl had finally opened his eye to glare at Negan, only to very quickly draw back into the safety of the blanket and pull it over his head the second he opened it, like the air had burned him. "The fuck is it so bright in here!?" Carl hissed out, angrily. Negan looked around the room to see what the kid was talking about.. Nope, just seemingly normal brightness considering it was noon. What was wrong with the kid? Was he having a fucking stroke?

"Ohhhkay. Well, there's this thing called the fucking sun. It's bright sometimes. Sorry it's inconveniencing you and allowing us all to live."

"Goddd." Carl drawled out. "Jesus fucking Christ. Just shut. The fuck. Up." he whispered through what sounded like clenched teeth.

Negan sat there for a second, biting the bottom of his lip, but after a few seconds decided that shutting the fuck up really wasn't his thing. "Well. Okay. So. You're either being a shit, or you're dying. And I can't have my little serial killer dying on me. So I'm not leaving until I find out what's wrong with you. And there's obviously something wrong with you. Well shiiiit, there's a lot wrong with you, but we won't get into that today."

He pulled back the comforter slowly one last time. There was literally no color at all in Carls face, his hair plastered to his head with sweat. The kid looked dead, and Negan may have actually thought he was, if he hadn't already confirmed that he was being a little piss ant.

Seeing the state he was in Negan ran a hand through Carl's hair affectionately. He finally brought his body down to him, bringing a protective arm around his head. Carl protested meekly, but ultimately met the contact and burrowed into his shoulder. Negan didn't know if he was doing it out of affection, or if he was just trying to escape the offending light and noise that seemed to be bothering him. Negan guessed the latter.

'What is it baby boy?" Negan said in the softest voice he could, and kissed his forehead gently. There was a moment of silence, where Carl burrowed into him more, and then an incoherent "'m hurts."

Negan stroked his hair again. "What hurts?"

"Everything-fucking-thing." Carl said suddenly sounding extremely annoyed, then sighed heavily. "''S just a migraine. Or something. I get them all the time. Just not usually this bad. Only sometimes this bad." he spoke in short but quiet bursts, as if even talking hurt.

Negan had never had a migraine but he knew they were a bitch- he just didn't think they were this much of a bitch. This particular bout seemed excessive, like maybe the kid was really having a brain aneurysm and he didn't know it.

"You always get them? Since when?" Negan tried to talk in slow, calculated tones, realizing that any sound was probably going to set the kid off. Carl had never mentioned even having a headache to him- but come to think of it, he wasn't much of a complainer (at least about his physical ailments) so Negan realized that he could have been miserable all along and just never said anything.

"Oh, I don't know." Carl said thoughtfully, in a tone that sounded like he of course really did know and he was about to prove to Negan what a fucking dumbass he was. "I mean, it probably started around the time I fucking had half my face shot off. There's this thing missing from it- oh yeah, my fucking eye. Getting used to only having one of them, you know." he said, sarcastically. Negan raised his eyebrows, realizing that he hadn't really considered the side effects of losing a half of one's face.

'Well." Negan said, thoughtfully. "I'm not leaving you like this-". Carl spoke suddenly, to Negans surprise, cutting him off. "Oh, no you can leave me like this. All I want to do is be left like this. Seriously. Just need dark and quiet." Silence. Then, for the first time, Carl peeked his eye willingly out at Negan and it was kind of... pleading. "I know I seem like I'm being a little bitch, and I probably am, but it'll pass. Til then I'm useless. I know you probably want to fuck, but that's off the table right now. So just give me like, a few hours. Then I'll be good. Be fine by tonight for you. Go see your wives."

He didn't know why at first, but the words stung Negan more than he thought they would. He mulled them over, realizing that Carl hadn't been brought up in the world that he had. In Carl's fucked up, cross-wired brain he probably only thought that people were kept around if it was benefiting the other. Which, of course, was true, to an extent. But somewhere along the line Carl had become much more than that to him. Negan hated it, wouldn't admit it, but he loved the kid. Negan had adapted to this world, his little serial killer was made for it. He was a lot more to him than just a fuck, but he wondered now if that's what Carl assumed. Of course he did.

Negan sat there for a second, running his hand through Carl's hair. "First off, you're a lot of things, but you know you're not a little bitch. Gotta be pretty bad to have you down for the count like this." Negan kissed the top of his forehead, and tightened the grip he had on him. He had something else planned to say, but he felt the kid already nodding off next to him, and realized he should wait to say anything of importance. "Get some rest baby boy. I'll be right here, okay? Don't have to be worried about anything gettin' you, be right here."

"Mhmmm." Carl hummed his appreciation into Negans side and burrowed again, using him to block any offending light and sound. He willed himself to sleep, and was dead to the world in seconds.

/

Carl didn't know how long it was until the next time he opened his eye. He only knew that he could open his eye, and unlike this morning it didn't feel like something was stabbing him in the brain. The sun seemed low, so he must have slept most of the day. He moved his eye over, and then up, to the figure next to him, who was cradling him differently then he ever had before. He felt Negans mouth pressed to his hair, and felt a hand still being run through his hair absentmindedly holding his head to him. Negan must have noticed a change in his breathing, because he stirred suddenly, and moved his hand to cup his chin.

"Hey…." he said softly. Carl shifted a little, pulling himself up a little so he could meet his eyes. "Hi, yourself." he responded, all the snark that had been in this voice from before gone. Carl sighed, a little huff mixed with exhaustion and maybe confusion.

"How long have I been out?" He passed a hand over the good side of his face.

"Few hours. Don't think you stirred once. How ya feeling?"

"Hmmm. " Carl said, as he seemed to be taking a mental stock of everything. "It's... Fine. I'm fine." Of course. He was already back to his old facade, Negan thought to himself. Had the kid been suffering with these monstrous headaches without saying a word this whole time?

"You have water?" Carl shifted, looking for some, seeming desperately. He swallowed hard, looking like he was about to be sick all of a sudden. "Scratch that. Pretty sure I'm going to piss myself." Without warning, he very suddenly launched himself off of Negan, but miscalculated how unsteady he would be, and toppled unceremoniously off the bed. Negan, slightly concerned, still couldn't help but crack a smile as he looked down at the kid. "Need help down there?"

"Fuck you." Carl said angrily, righting himself. He stood up, took a step, and once again almost lost his balance had it not been for the bed. This time Negan launched off the bed, faster than he realized he could, and was by Carls side in less than a second.

"I'm fucking fine." Carl spat angrily, feeling Negan's hands on him. "Pretty sure I can piss by myself."

"Pretty sure you can't actually. Unless you mean piss yourself. Cause that you can do. Dizzy?"

"'m fine." He was clearly not fine. But after the few steps to the bathroom Carl did seem slightly more stable, as long as he was holding on to something. Wordlessly he sauntered into the bathroom and slammed it in Negans face.

"Well excuse the shit out of me for trying to help kid." Negan got it. He didn't like that Carl was being a little shit to him, but it just so happened that he was the only one who was allowed to be a little shit to him. He knew Carl wasn't exactly used to being coddled, and if he was anything like Negan himself he hated showing weakness. So, Negan got it.

About a minute or two had gone by when he heard the unmistakable sound of the kid getting sick. Quiet violently. Negan sighed, knowing he'd eventually have to go in after him and knowing Carl would hate him even more for it. He let a few more minutes go by, but he wasn't going to let the kid suffer alone. He grabbed an empty, used glass from beside the bed and pushed his way into the bathroom, awaiting the temper tantrum that about to follow.

"Oh Jesus, can you just leave me the fuck alone for one second?" Carl said with all the anger he could muster (it wasn't much) from his position on the ground.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut the teenage bullshit, you know I'm not going to let you just sit here and suffer, so can we just skip to the part where you stop acting like a rad ass bad ass and an ungrateful little bitch, and let me help you? Because that would save a lot of fucking time." Negan walked over and filled the glass, and then offered it to Carl, who gladly took it. Negan sat down next to the kid and worked his fingers through his hair, willing him to either get everything out or decide that he felt better enough to journey back to bed. After a few more minutes of dry heaving his breathing seemed to even out, and some of his color had returned. Carl ran a hand over his face.

"So what do you want me to do?" Negan finally asked, breaking the silence.

"Huh?" Carl asked, confused.

"Well, what does daddy Grimes do to make you feel better when you feel like you have nails in your brain?"

"Uh.." Carl started awkwardly. "I mean. I usually just kind of hole up for a while when it gets this bad, and people just kind of leave me alone. So no one really knows. Probably think I'm being a normal teenage or something, fuck if I know."

"So what- you just exist miserably by yourself?"

"I mean. Yeah. There are bigger problems than my eyeball headaches." Negan sat back on his heels a little, taking the kid into account. No wonder he was being such a shit. He wasn't used to someone when he felt like this, and now that somebody was he probably didn't know what to do with the attention.

"Sorry, by the way." Carl mumbled suddenly, putting his head in his hands.

"For?" Negan asked, softly, still working his way through the kids hair.

"Being a bitch. Making you take care of me all day." This actually got a laugh out of Negan. "Kid. You know no one makes me do anything. Least of all your scrawny ass." Carl returned a glare, and then a half smile.

"Don't fool yourself old man. I can probably make you do anything for me that I want. Too good of a fuck for you to give that up."

"That you are. That you are..." Negan said thoughtfully.

"Hmm." Carl rubbed his face again, and went to push himself up. Instead, Negan was on his feet before Carl even realized it, and he picked the kid up in his arms.

"What the fuck?!" Carl protested weakly, trying to get out of Negan's arms unsuccessfully. "You going to carry me like I'm one of your wives?"

"Oh, not like one of the wives, you are one of the wives!" He winked at Carl as he carried him back to their bed.

"Fuck you." Carl groaned miserably.

"You are such a little shit today. I mean you're always a little shit, but even more so today. You're an extra little shit. Real shit-tastic. Extra shit storm with a cherry on the top." Negan said, as he plopped him down, a little more roughly than he had intended but Carl was asking for it with his piss-ass attitude.

"What I think you mean to say," Carl started, as Negan slipped back into the bed next to him, "Is that I'm being a normal whiney ass eighteen year old today instead of a future serial killer like usual and it's not really suiting you. Sorry to disappoint. I am both a serial killer and a teenager, so."

Negan chuckled at him, and pulled him to him, running a hand through his hair again. "I like you any which way you can have you, baby boy."

"Speaking of that." Carl sat up suddenly, climbing into Negan's lap slowly and putting his hands around his neck. "I'm not entirely useless anymore. I can, you know, make up for you having to deal with me all day today…" he said suggestively, grinding his hips slightly.

Negan sat there silently for a moment, his brow furrowed, studying the kid. He narrowed his eyes at him, which brought the same response from Carl, who had growing confusion on his face. Negan picked his words carefully. "You know that if you're miserable the last thing on my mind is fucking you right? Well, scratch that, it's never the last thing on my mind, especially with you all crawled up in my lap like this. But you're not going to enjoy it when you can't even stand. And I'm not going to enjoy it if you're not."

"I mean…" Carl suddenly looked anywhere else but at Negan's face. "I can just, you know, let you do all the work. I'll be fine. I know I look like hell and probably smell like vomit but I didn't think that would stop you." He quipped a little smile, trying to lighten the situation, but stopped once he saw the serious look on Negan's face. "What?" Carl asked, sensing the shifted mood between the two of them.

"I know that a lot of wires are crossed in that serial killer head of yours, but I need you to get one thing straight, something that I should have made clear from the beginning. You aren't one of the wives. I don't just keep you around for a good fuck. Or to keep someone else in line, which is why I have them still around. The sex with you is a bonus. A fucking great, mind-blowing bonus. But I keep you around for a lot more than that. So, no, tonight, no sex. You understand?" Carl just stared at him, blankly.

"Christ kid, you're making me sound like a woman here. You're….you're my kind of crazy. So if you don't mind, I'd like to keep you around. Fucking or no fucking. But please for the love of everything holy let me keep fucking you, because it's damn good." This finally, brought a small smile to Carls face.

"You get everything I just said?" Negan questioned again, bringing a hand to rest on the bad side of his face where it was numb. Carl swallowed, nodding. "Think so." he said quietly.

"So, what, it's fine if we just, what- Sit here tonight?" Carl looked over at him blankly. "I mean, what the fuck are we going to do," Carl continued on, "Cuddle or some shit?"

"Cuddling and some shit is exactly what the fuck we are gonna do kid!" he suddenly grabbed him, and pulled him down to his level, holding him as tight as he dared seeing how the kid just puked his brains out for the last 2 hours. "And you're going to enjoy every damn second of it."

"I hate you." Carl quipped. "Also I can't breathe." Carl wriggled out of his grasp, but burrowed back into Negan's shoulder again. "So, um. You're sure?"

Negan looked down at him, this time his turn turn to be confused. He raised his eyebrows, willing him to elaborate.

"Uh. I mean. With me. Like. Taking the...night...off? I mean. I'll make it up to you tomorrow."

"Jesus kid. You realize you sound like a damn prostitute, right? Take the night off, really?" Carl opened his mouth, and then closed it, not sure what to say.

"I. I know it's not like that. I just. I don't know. I'm shutting up." Carl sat back in the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Negan looked over at him, with what seemed like a sad look in his eyes.

It was going to take a lot more than he realized to fix this kid.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all the amazing feedback on Chapter 1!! This chapter is totally different so I'm a little nervous posting- it kind of wrote itself, and is a lot darker, with no fluff. It's starting to touch on the events of “A" 4x 16 and to understand the chapter it would help to have seen the episode. It is kind of off canon in the sense that it assumes that in 4x 16 Carl actually did get raped, instead of it just being a really close call. So, just as a warning, it's going to touch on that.

“No sex tonight” had lasted all of 2 hours. One of those hours hadn’t even counted, as it consisted of Negan doing a check around the sanctuary since he had been holed up all day, something that never happened. There were mumblings everywhere of course- he had been gone all day, the kid had been gone all day- but they had been silenced quickly, as usual, by the threat of face ironing and a meeting with Lucille.

The two of them weren’t exactly a huge secret, considering where Carl slept every night. Negan didn't really give a rats ass whether people knew or not, but no one was going to talk about his kid like that. Negan arrived back with food for both of them, but it ended up being mainly food for just himself. Carl claimed between his head and his stomach that he wouldn’t be able to keep anything down.

“Don’t like you missing a meal.” Negan had gotten out between bites of some unknown meat and what appeared to be a kind of potato, pointing at him with his fork. They were sitting on the bed, Carl eyeing the food but still claiming he didn't want it. “Already too skinny for your own good.”

Carl just stared tiredly at him, looking drained, but better than he had a few hours ago. At this he reached over and grabbed a small piece off of Negans plate. “Yeah, right. You like me skinny. Maintains my boyish figure.” he countered back, shrugging, popping the piece of food in his mouth.

“I like you lean, not anorexic.” Negan corrected, already anticipating the eye roll that was coming from Carl, which he received in two seconds. “Can’t take you back to Daddy Rick looking like a starved prisoner of war.”

Another eye roll. “That’s what I’m supposed to be though, right?” Carl said after a moment, looking out the window suddenly. “Gotta keep up the ruse, you know. They can’t know I’m _willingly_ fucking you.” WIth this he sat up on his heels and leaned over, drawing closer to him. “So speaking of that- about tonight.” his one eye fixated on Negan like prey.

Negan instinctively leaned back away from him. “Ohhh you’re killing me kid- I’m supposed to be the bad influence on you. But, no.” He went back to his food, grabbing another piece of food and stating simply “You know the rules. We’re cuddling and shit.”

Carl sighed and fell back onto the bed dramatically, huffing. “Guess I’ll just have to go back to Alexandria, seeing as how I’m not wanted here anymore.” He grabbed his hat off of the nightstand next to him and put it over his face, making a big production out of it. This actually got a laugh out of Negan, who shook his head at Carl’s antics.

Carl came to be at the Sanctuary originally as payment for his joy-ride and small murder spree. It was either come back to the Sanctuary with Negan for an indeterminate amount of time, or Rick had to choose three of his people to kill. Negan had thrown in an extra person, as compared to Carl’s two victims, for “pain and suffering”. It was clearly a no-brainer, especially for Carl, but not so much for Rick, who had pleaded with Negan for quite some time, sort of pitifully.

Back then Carl thought he had just been fascinated by Negan. Turned out he just wanted to fuck him, but growing up in the apocalypse and all meant it was hard to sort one's feelings out sometimes. They were, as Negan had put it just a few hours before, “the same kind of crazy.” He didn’t have to pretend to be a sweet kid here. There were moments when Carl actually seemed to out-crazy Negan. Which scared Negan and made him want him even more. Carl had been at the Sanctuary for about 3 weeks, and had no real desire to go back to Alexandria except maybe to see Judith.

“You’re abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous, you know that?” Negan said finally, putting his plate of food down.

“I know.” Carl agreed, taking off the hat and huffing a piece of hair out of his face. “‘S why you love me.” This got another laugh out of Negan.

Carl reached out his hand lazily to him, mumbling “C’mere. My head still hurts.” Carl rarely outwardly asked for attention like this, so Negan gladly obliged and crawled over to him.

The quiet moment between them didn’t last long before Carl’s mood suddenly turned. Little quips that started as jokes but turned into Negan going to see his wives instead of spending the night with him then became ‘so why the fuck am I even here anyways, and why are you wasting my time?’. At first Negan kind of excused it, between the fact that the kid probably still felt like shit, and rationalizing that it genuinely may have been the first time Carl had been expected to partake in "cuddling and shit" versus just going at it.

Carl, of course, knew exactly what buttons to push though to get what he wanted. And apparently, despite Negan’s reluctance, he wanted to fuck. Roughly, at this rate, since he was really starting to piss Negan off.

“God you are _really_  testing me kid.” Negan said through gritted teeth after about 30 minutes of Carl’s insistent pissiness. He knew exactly what the kid was up to. Carl knew how to fuck, but just existing and enjoying each other’s company? He didn’t know how to do that. So he was trying everything he could to get out of it, but Negan wasn’t having it. Yet.

“Oh yeah?” Carl spat back, rolling his eye for the upteenth time. “What are you going to threaten me with? Cuddling? That’s your new fucking thing now, right? I liked it better when you wanted to cut my half my arm off. Or bash my head in with that useless fucking bat.”

No response. Carl kept wheedling. “Too old to fuck me now? Are your wives and me too much for you to handle? I’d really like to know, because tonight's been a disappointment.”

“Alright.” Negan said finally, sitting up suddenly. “You know what? I was trying to be nice and fucking normal to you, but you don’t want that, do you? _Do you?_ You’re a fucked up a little shit.” He grabbed Carl roughly by the back of the neck, essentially scruffing him like you would a cat, and flipped him over onto his stomach, digging a knee harshly into his back.

“Ah-” Carl let out a hiss of pain, but Negan didn’t care, since it was probably what the kid wanted anyways. “Look, I get that growing up in the apocalypse and all that your knowledge of human relationships is limited, so let me explain things clearly to you. Sometimes when people seem to have a thing for one another, they do more than just fuck. And I get that you’re an emotionally stunted little shit with more wires crossed in your head than you realize, but you don’t seem to understand this. So, yeah, after seeing you miserable for the entire day the last thing I want to do is fuck you, but that’s what going to happen since you’re going to continue to piss me off until I do, right?”

He dug a knee even more harshly into him, grinding the bad side of his still healing face into the bed, and at that Carl cried out a little, and spit out a “fuck you.” Negan grabbed his neck and hair with one hand and shoved him into the bed more. “Excuse me? What did you say?” he said through gritted teeth, almost choking him out at this point but feeling his anger take over.

“Oh, can you not hear now?” Carl spat out sarcastically. “I said, fuck you. I would say fuck me, but you probably can’t do that.”

Negan had had enough. Carl had never been this shitty to him on purpose. Playful banter, sure. But it was the way that Carl was doing it just to get a fucking rise out of him. Something glistened on the bedside table and caught Negan’s attention- Carl’s knife. He was really going to pull out all the stops to prove a point.

“Listen. I _will_ stop. Just say the word. Do you want me to stop?” No response. “ _Do you want me to stop?”_ Negan pressed his body on top of him just a little more. He wasn’t going to play this rough unless he knew the kid was still game. Carl twisted his head up a little bit to look at Negan and was met with the sight of the knife. “Nope. But I like where you’re going with this,” Carl said casually, with an annoying smirk.

At this Negan placed the knife gently on his neck.“You’re fucked up little brain probably likes this, huh?” At that Carl instinctively moved to get away from him, but not seeming like he was really trying to get anywhere at all.

“Stop squirming kid.” Negan said gruffly and pushed his head into the bed, this time much more rougly roughly than before, his hand holding his entire head in place while his other kept the knife there. At his words he felt a shift in the kid. Carl tensed, and Negan wondered if he was finally getting the message. Carl suddenly seemed like he was actually trying to fight him off at this point and succeeded momentarily, landing them both on the floor. Negan was on him again faster than Carl could move away and had him pinned again on his stomach. “Shit kid, how rough do you want me to get with you?” The knife was gone but Negan didn’t need it anymore.

Fucking like this was different for them. Negan prefered to actually see him, so it was rare- very rare- that he took him from behind like this, and usually not on the fucking floor. Fitting, nonetheless, but different, and the whole thing didn’t sit right with him at all. He hated that Carl had been able to push him this far. The sex was rough, with absolutely no connection whatsoever, but it’s what he felt the kid was asking for.

  
A few minutes in he grabbed Carl’s hair violently again and pulled him up towards him, but instead of fighting him the kid just felt like dead weight. At the sudden closeness he noticed Carl's breathing was far from normal- he was hyperventilating. Negan, completely confused, felt his heart drop to his stomach and scrambled to get Carl to where he could face him.

“Shit, kid, breathe. You okay?” Negans facade falling.

Carl didn’t say anything, and his breathing wasn’t really returning to normal. “Breathe, Carl. Its me.” Like earlier in the day the color was gone from Carl’s face, but his eye was glazed over and unfocused like he wasn’t even in the same worId, his breathing still erratic and not calming down at all.

“Hey. Look at me. You need to breathe, okay? You're gonna fucking pass out.” He had never seen Carl like this and he had absolutely no idea what was going on with the kid. Not when he had bashed Glenns head in right in front of him. Not when he threatened to cut his good eye and feed it to Rick. Not when he had convinced Rick to chop his fucking arm off a few hours later. This was something entirely new.

“Hey. Carl. Carl.” he said firmly, finally grabbing his face and forcing him to look at him. At his name Carl jumped slightly and finally met his gaze. Negan shifted a piece of hair away that was stuck to his face. “There you are. Just stay with me. In and out...It's me. It’s only me. I'm here. Its okay baby boy.” Negan spoke softly, pulling him to him and kissing his hair.

Carl finally nodded, seemingly still taking in his surroundings. “I’m. I'm sorry.” Carl finally breathed out. “I- I don’t know what that was.”

“Panic attack.” Negan said quietly, running a hand through his hair.

Carl broke contact, sitting up suddenly and swallowed thickly, looking at the wall intently as if he saw something interesting behind Negan. He stayed like that for a few moments while Negan stayed quiet and let him process everything. Suddenly he drew his attention back to the man and said very firmly- “I don’t know how to do this.”

Negan just stared blankly back at him. “Do-do what?”

He looked lost. Finally- “Any of this.”

“C’mere.” Negan said gently. Carl looked at him apprehensively for maybe half a second, and then nodded and crawled into his lap. His breathing was still heavy but almost normal, to Negans relief. Negan grabbed him firmly and held him to him. “This has been a fucked up day, okay? Just relax.”

Negans mind was _absolutely fucking racing_ even though to Carl he appeared calm as could be and soothing. He had really fucked up this time. He had no idea where this had de-railed so badly, but he realized he had probably pushed him way too far.

Carl suddenly moved up to look at him. “I’m sorry”, he said quietly. Negan stared at him, trying to even find words. “Kid... Don’t... _I’m_ sorry.”

“No. I had to push things. Like always. You were just trying to let us have a normal fucking night and I couldn’t.” Carl sat up a little bit and moved away from him slightly, looking at him. “I don’t know how to do this. “ he repeated.

“What…” Negan stated, cautiously. “What set you off back there? Was it the knife?”

Carl shook his head and actually let out a laugh at that. “No. No you know I...like that stuff. It...it was just everything at once. It happened really quick, and suddenly I was there and I don’t-fucking-know-what-happened-because-then-I-couldn’t-breathe-and”

Negan cut off Carl’s ramblings. “Where?”

“Where-what?” Carl looked genuinely confused.

“You just said you were suddenly there. I’m not dumb kid, you went back to something. Now what the hell happened to you- and what did I do to set it off coming back to you? And don’t pussy foot around, because I’m going to get it out of you eventually.”

Carl nodded and looked off at the wall. Good. At least he had acknowledged that Negan was on the right track. But then suddenly straightened, and met Negans eyes.  _Damnit,_ Negan inwardly swore. He had lost vulnerable Carl just like that. This fucking kid. He wasn't going to get anything out of him tonight.

“Can we not do this tonight? I'm just tired.” Carl said quietly. 

Negan nodded slowly. “Not tonight. But soon.” He wrapped his arms around him a little tighter, Carl giving in to him and sinking down into his touch.

“We can try that, uh, cuddling thing tonight.” Carl said, finally smirking just a little.

“I think that sounds like a plan baby boy.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all the kudos and amazing reviews! I appreciate them all and have had so much fun writing these two!

Negan had been having a really fucking lovely dream. Which was surprising after the days events. Carl, worn out after everything, had fallen into a deep sleep within about 5 minutes, which was record time for him. He was burrowed as close as he could get to Negan and clinging on to him as if his life depended on it- which Negan of course secretly was loving. Negan had stayed awake for as long as he could, mulling over everything, trying to pinpoint the exact moment things had gone wrong. Was it the the knife? Something he said? He replayed everything a million times but it was all a blur.

But eventually he did drift off, and he had a lovely dream that he could only remember involved hamburgers and whiskey. Damn he could use a burger and some Jack. And some goddamn fucking fries. Thick fucking steak fries, not skinny ass fries with no backbone. Man's mans fries. He didn't quite get to drinking the whiskey until something- extremely painful- brought him back to consciousness.

At first all he was aware of was an extremely sharp pain in his face- more particularly, his nose- and the distinctive smell of blood. Fuck. Was he bit? How had one of those fuckers made their way in? Carl. Where the fuck was Carl? What the fuck-

Then someone was yelling- or pleading. Suddenly Negans eyes adjusted to the light and he came out of his sleep fog, and everything came Into view. Carl. It had been Carl who was frantically trying to get away from God knows what in his sleep, and had taken out Negans face in the process. What the fuck. The thought crossed Negans mind for the 47th time that day. 

“Get the fuck off me.” Carl pleaded with the air. Negan had to strategically grab his arms so as to not get decked in the face again, but finally succeeded. “Carl! Hey! Carl, wake the fuck up!” he yelled at him. He pinned down his arms to the bed, hovering over him and holding him down with all his strength, hoping something would rouse him. Negan was only vaguely aware of the blood falling out of his nose until he actually saw it fall on the kid.

Carl gave one last swing, though he didn't get very far. “No-" Carl yelled out, and Negan squeezed his arms roughly, shaking him slightly. Carl's eye finally popped open at this and he stopped suddenly, looking like a deer in headlights. His eye met Negans- and he had never seen that look on the kids face, ever. It was sheer terror. Carl slunk back against the bed as far as he could, trying to get away from the man, who released the grip he had on him immediately. They both sat there for a second, Carl gasping at the air and Negan not quite sure what to do. 

“It was just a dream, “Negan said breathlessly to him, to try and calm him at least a little. “I’m the only one here, you’re at the Sanctuary, you’re safe….Shit, kid…” Negan said quietly as he took in the scene before him. He didn’t feel like he had words after the events of the past few hours, and he didn’t dare move because he didn’t know what would set him off. Broken. This kid was way more fucking broken then he had thought originally. 

It took a few seconds, but it seemed as if Carl was resurfacing, his eye coming into focus and meeting Negans again. He was once again breathing heavily, sweat plastering his hair all over his face. He ran a hand over his face, looking around. Negan wasn’t expecting the next thing that came out of his mouth. 

“You’re bleeding everywhere.” Carl finally stated, matter of factly, in between catching breaths. 

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I couldn’t tell, thanks.” Negan said sarcastically. He grabbed a blanket and held it up to his face, and realized that he had taken a pretty good hit, as the blood wasn’t really stopping. Carl grabbed his shirt which had been discarded next to him and crawled over to Negan. 

“Look up.” 

“I’m fine-” Negan said, annoyed that the kid was now taking care of him.

“You’re not. You’re bleeding everywhere.” Carl held up his shirt to attempt to stop the bleeding. 

“Yeah well, you hit hard when a man's sleeping.” Negan muffled out. “And you’re not exactly fine, either.”

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. And actually- yes- I am fine.” Carl winced at the amount of blood that was still pouring out. “Seriously, put your head up. This isn’t stopping.”

“Alright, alright.” The two sat in silence for a few moments, Carl checking every few minutes to see if the blood was stopping. And when it did, the two looked at each other, and neither knew what to do for the first time in their...‘relationship’. Until, of course, Carl announced he was going to be sick again, and made a sprint for the bathroom. Negan didn’t follow him this time, knowing the kid probably wanted his space. 

Negan sat quietly on the bed, very bloody shirt in hand, pondering for the 3rd time where the fuck this day had gone wrong as he listened to Carl dry heave for 5 minutes. He chewed the inside of his lip, wondering if he had gotten in over his head with the kid, which gave him a laugh. A kid was too much for him. Not his 8 wives. But a fucking broken kid. Very broken kid, he corrected himself. 

The sudden sound of the shower running startled him. Carl appeared, leaning against the doorway, still looking peakish. 

“I need to shower. You want me to get some of that blood off of you?” 

“Gladly.” Negan studied him for a moment, wondering how the kid had gone from almost quite literally pisisng his pants to almost looking relaxed, and striding over to him.

“Don’t look in the mirror," Carl said sheepishly. "You’re nose isn’t looking great. I mean, it’s not as bad as my face, but…”

Negan did in fact look in the mirror and his nose was in fact not looking great. He was definitely going to end up with a black eye, or two.   
“Geeze kid, you really did a number on my pretty face.” 

Carl placed a hand on his back, which startled Negan and made him whip around to face the kid, who was grinning. “Maybe I like you like that. What do you say about my face, ‘makes me look badass’? Least I don’t have a socket fetish.” He shrugged and continued to grin, and Negan couldn’t help but return it. 

Negan suddenly wrapped his arms tightly around Carl and pulled him into him as closely as he could, which seemed to take Carl by surprise a little bit, but he eventually relaxed into the mans arms. Negan buried his face in Carl’s shoulder, rocking them back and forth slightly and breathing him in. It took a few minutes, but eventually he could feel some of the tension leaving the kids body. He brought his hand to the back of Carl’s neck and cradled his head, before kissing his forehead. 

“We need to talk kid.” He whispered gently, leaving his lips on Carl’s forehead. Carl knew it was coming but he still let out a little defeated sigh. 

“I know.” Carl gave himself a few more seconds of comfort in the mans arms and then straightened a little, wrapping his arms around his neck and meeting his gaze. “I know.” he repeated quietly. “And we will. I just- first I need to shower and get this...feeling...off of me. Of them. And then…” he pulled Negan in a little closer. “I need you to make me yours again- I need you to remind me that I’m yours. Then. Then we can talk. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't make any promises because I am years out of practice in the smut writing department, but I will try my best to give you all smut in the next chapter ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I lied. No smut still. I had to get this chapter out before I continued on with the rest of the story, though. It's short and it's crap, but I had writers block and it was essential to write something shitty hahaha. Carry on! Thank you to all who have left kudos and comments!!

The first night that Carl arrived at the Sanctuary he was herded up to a familiar room by Negan. He stopped outside and turned around, glaring at the man in confusion. Negan took Lucille and prodded Carl in the chest lightly, urging him inside the door. 

“Well, in ya go, what are you waiting for?” he asked the kid in an annoyed voice. It had been a hellish long day, and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with a pissy kid. 

“I’m- I’m not- This is your room.” Carl said dumbly. 

“Right you are kid.” Negan suddenly had a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Fuck you. I’m not staying in there with you.” he went to move away, only to have Lucille pushed a little harder into his chest. 

“Nah uh uh. Not so fast. You think I can parade your fine ass around without anyone noticing you? Half my men want to tear into you, so you sleeping in this room is for your own damn good. Hope you didn’t get too excited at the prospect of sleepin’ next to me in that big ass bed- you, sir, get the couch.” and he winked for good measure as he opened the door. Carl reluctantly followed him in. 

“So what?” the kid asked as glared around, once again taking in his surroundings to the semi-familiar room, putting on his usual show of false bravado. “So a few of your guys want to kill me, what’s new with that?” 

Negan turned on his heel swiftly at that and let out a laugh. He raised Lucille above his shoulders and swayed over to Carl, backing him up against the now closed door. Negan studied him for a moment, and Carl glared up at him. In a second Negan was so close Carl could feel his breath on him. 

“You know, when I said ‘tear into you’ I don’t think you got what I was implying, so I’ll make this crystal. fucking. clear. to you.” Negan leaned in even closer at the last few words. “I meant tear into that pretty ass of yours. And I mean that pretty literally, kid.” he reached out and put a hand on Carl’s shoulder, who tensed immediately and slunk back into the door as far as he could. Carl swallowed and looked around, suddenly not meeting Negans eyes. 

“That got your attention, didn’t it? But you’re not dumb.” Negan reached out and grabbed Carl’s jaw, forcing him to look at him. “You know all the men’ve been wanting you for a good few years now.” Carl’s one eye trailed away from him again, so Negan tightened his grip on him to get his attention. “But you had daddy RIck to protect you from all that, didn’t you? Here, you’re all alone. So, yeah. You’re sleeping in here tonight kid. Gotta bring you back in one piece so you can get back to that piece of ass I’m sure you have back home.“ 

Negan straightened, Lucille at his side. “Orrrr, maybe you’re someone's piece of ass. You ever fucked someone, kid?” Negan reached out again with Lucille and brought the bat up to Carl’s chin, twisting slightly and forcing Carl to meet his gaze again. “Better yet, anyone ever fuck you?” At this Carl’s eye involuntarily flashed up to Negan, but only for a second, and then it was gone- but Negan got the message. 

“Ah, ah, ah. Really? My rad ass bad ass has a thing for the boys?” Negan knelt down again to Carl’s level, getting dangerously close to him. “Alright, alright, good for you. Was it some pretty little boy back at home, back in your little prissy ass solar powered houses, hiding out from daddy Rick? Did your little boyfriend have to quiet your screaming from his dick pounding into you so good to make sure daddy wouldn't hear?”

Carl shuffled uncomfortably. Negan grinned. 

“You seem a little too interested in who’s fucking me, you know that?” Carl scowled up at him with his one eye. 

“You got me there. But you wanna know why?” Carl didn’t want to know [but shit, maybe part of him did]. Silence, so of course Negan continued. “Because I don’t think you’re into little boys fucking you in prissy ass, clean houses. I think...I think you want more than that. A whole lot more than that. Scratch that.” 

Negan turned around, swinging Lucille aimlessly again at the air. He turned back to the kid with a wicked smile, and rounded again on Carl. “I think you need it. I think you crave it like air. There is so much darkness in that pretty little head of yours. You are so fucked up. Beautifully fucked up. You need someone who matches your own crazy.” Negan reached out and curled a hand around Carl’s neck. Carl jumped reflexively and pushed back into the door as if trying to get away. But there was nowhere to go [if he was telling himself the truth, no, he wouldn’t go anyways even if he could.] 

His breath hitched as he felt Negans grip on his throat tighten. [This. This was all he had ever needed.]. Negans other hand was suddenly trailing down Carl’s arm. And then his stomach. And then on his jeans, pressing into his dick. And Carl was pretty sure he was going to die right then and there. Then there were teeth on his neck, and Carl’s breathing had reached an almost panicked state. His vision was starting to go black. Suddenly the hand on his neck released and Negan pulled away, with a grin on his face like Carl had never seen. 

“Oh yeah, kid.” Negan whispered in his ear. “I am very interested in who’s fucking you.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Few not-super-important details: I have no idea if the Sanctuary has showers (I think they do?) And at that rate, hot water? They do now because I needed shower sex in this.
> 
> I guesstimated Carl's age for season 4. I get that each season isn't a year (since Maggie's been pregnant for like 10 years now, Jesusfuck), but well, I just went off real ages and that's what I got. And again, this is assuming that Carl actually got raped in 4 x 16. Negan finds out. Yay.
> 
> As always thank you for all the love and kudos. I'm fucking writing this shit whether people want it or not, but it does inspire me to write a little faster.

When Negan was with Lucille he used to give her shit for her hot-as-fuck showers. “Remind you of where you came from, huh?” he would joke. The shower that Carl had run rivaled all of Lucille's showers put together.

“You know that’s a bit...hot..kid, don’t you?” He said cautiously from outside of the shower, a bit terrified of getting in.

Carl just nodded, seemingly enjoying the scalding water. He finally opened his eye and looked at Negan, slightly amused. “You coming in?” he smirked.

“Not while you’re trying to burn yourself alive.”

“Hmm, just need it for another minute, okay?” Negan studied the kid as he washed whatever thoughts off of him that he needed to be rid of. He realized this must be a routine, because he seemed to know what he had needed immediately. Despite his better judgement, he stepped in gingerly, hissing when the burning water met his skin. Carl grinned at him and wrapped his arms the man. His skin was literally boiling, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“Hi.” Carl whispered into his ear. He twisted around, keeping Negan's arms around him, and turned the water down to a slightly more bearable temperature. Negan kissed into Carls neck and shoulder, his hands starting to roam just a little as Carl pulled him to him even tighter. He willed himself not to get turned on, because that was the last thing he probably wanted at the moment, but it was a futile thought since Carl was starting to purr as his hands went lower.

“What do you need, kid?” Negan whispered into his ear, biting the lobe just a little and leaving his teeth there for a moment. Carl turned again in his arms to face him. He looked up at him with that damn eye that could get him anything in the fucking goddamn world [Negan hated and loved that look].

“Thought I already told you. ” Carl said quietly, his lips parted so Negan could see him running his tongue over his own teeth.

Shit. Negan knew he was fucked.

The two of them had done pretty much every single filthy thing in the book in the last 3 weeks. Every. Single. Thing. Negan looked at that mouth, that had been all over his body, had spent hours worshiping his dick and every other surface of his body. Except for his own mouth. Yeah- as ridiculous as it sounded he had never kissed him. Never. It was a ridiculous, unspoken boundary that Negan had set early on, and he wasn’t even sure why.

Maybe it meant it was the point of no return. Maybe he hadn't wanted Carl to get too attached in the beginning [there wasn’t a question anymore of who Carl belonged to, so that thought was long gone]. Maybe he didn’t want himself to get too attached [that was laughable now]. He could stick his tongue down his wives throats all day long- that meant nothing. But this, this was something entirely different for some reason. That damn kid had crept into his soul, and if he did this Carl would own him [he already did, Negan just didn't know. Or just liked denying it].

Carl lifted his one good eyebrow while Negan continued to study him. “You gonna make me beg for it?” he said, while smirking.

Game over. No going back now.

“Shiiiit, you know I’d love nothing more than that.” Negan closed the very small distance in between them and put his forehead to Carl’s. “But you know you don’t have to beg for anything from me anymore.”

Carl wasn’t exactly sure what to expect- Negan was all rough edges and darkness, and this was what he anticipated when Negan grabbed his face- but it wasn't roughly, more like the kid was going to break at any second [because maybe he was]. Carl felt Negan's tongue slip into his mouth and he immediately let out a moan that came out of nowhere and surprised himself. The pad of Negans thumb massaged his chin and then stopped at his bottom lip, pulling it down a little as he pushed his tongue deeper into his mouth. It was the most simple and basic act but it also the most sensual thing Carl had ever felt and once again he thought he was going to die, right then and there.

Somehow Negan had found a balance of being gentle and rough at the same time. All of a sudden Carl felt himself being backed against the shower wall, with Negan's free hand suddenly roaming all of over his body. Negan broke away and started biting at the kids neck. Reflexively Carl tilted his head to the side, wanting Negan to take everything he could. He brought his hand to Negans hip and pulled him impossibly closer to him, grinding against him and setting a rhythm. He dug his face into the mans shoulder, biting into the soft skin there.

Carl suddenly realized he missed the feeling of Negans mouth on him, and he brought his hand to the others chin, pulling them together again. Negan wasn’t able to hold back this time- this time there was less gentle and more teeth and biting and Carl felt his lip bleed but he didnt care. Negan snaked a hand around his throat knowing he loved it while simultaneously still shoving his tongue as far as he could down the kids throat, which just led to Carl hitching his legs around Negans hips. Negan lifted him against the shower wall and pressed him into it even harder. He finally pulled back, panting, smirking at Carl like prey.

“Anyone ever kissed you like that?” he asked, bringing his forehead to rest on Carls and in a surprisingly intimate act running his nose over Carl's cheek.

“Fuck no,” Carl let out breathlessly. “But I wouldn't mind If you did it again.”

Negan fucked him against the shower wall, Carl clinging to him and his nails digging into his back, making him bleed. Carl lasted all of 3 minutes. Negan followed closely behind, Carl letting out a feral groan into the mans mouth as he came, Negan kissing into him with everything he had. Like he owned the kid- like Carl needed him to do so desperately.

//

“How’d you know Neeg?” The next hour found the two of them laying in bed again, completely sated, Negan holding Carl loosely in his arms and tracing little patterns absentmindedly in to his forearm. They had laid in almost silence, each other enjoying it. It was peaceful after the days events. The sky was starting to lighten outside just a little. Morning.

“Know what, baby boy?” Negan returned back, his lips on Carl's neck again, kissing little marks up and down the sensitive skin.

“That first night. When I was here. You knew I wanted you... But, I didn’t even know it myself.” Carl pulled Negans arms around him a little tighter. “Sounds stupid, I know. But I hadn’t really...it just wasn’t something I had ever really thought about. Not just you I mean, but about being with...anyone.” Carl turned around in his arms and looked up at him finally, his head fitting snug in Negans collarbone. “I hate it. Sometimes you know me better than I know myself.”

Negan was silent for a moment. “I can read you, kid. I don’t think a lot of people can, but, me...well that’s a different story.” He ran a hand down Carls face, and then took his chin in his hand, making him look up at him. “Now I need you to answer something.”

“Hmm?” Carl tensed under him, because he knew what was coming. Things had been so peaceful. 

“That first night. I was fucking with you about who you'd slept with before. Asked if anyone had ever fucked you- and I assumed it had been some stupid ass kid in Alexandria or somewhere that you were screwing around with. But, I was wrong wasn't I? There wasn't anyone. Someone...” Negan swallowed, and looked around the room, grasping for the words.

Carl didn't say anything, just looked at him under all that ridiculous hair. Finally he nodded his head. “Yeah. You don’t have to say it. No one...likes to talk about it, believe me I know.” Carl said quietly. “ There was no one. I mean, there was no one that I actually wanted to fuck me. Before you at least.”

Negan ran both his hands over his own face, taking in everything that had transpired in the past few hours. Cold, hard, awful realization had dawned on him. He should have taken things slower with the kid. He couldnt couldn't even bring himself to think about what had happened to Carl because he already felt his anger level rising . But that meant he was Carl's first real- first, well consensual- experience more than likely with...anything. God he taken things way too fast. No wonder the kid was so fucked up. The kid had deserved so much better than what he had given him. If he had known...

“Shit, kid. I…” Negan started, but couldn't find words. “I really...I really fucked up with you. I’m sorry…if I had known, I would have...I would have done things differently.”

An extremely confused look crossed Carl's face. A look that turned into anger quicker than Negan could realize what was happening. “Look I get it.” Carl started, sitting up and wrapping his arms around himself and leaning away from him. “I get it. Now that you know what happened I'm, what, damaged goods now? I get it, I'm too fucked up for even you. I'm just the poor kid who had some dirty shitbag shove his dick into his ass when he was 14 while his dad watched on and I was too weak to stop it. My dad literally tore some guys fucking throat out to get to me and I couldn't even fight that guy off.” 

Carl didn’t even know what he was saying. He felt years, and years, and years of things he had been trying to keep quiet, that he’d been forced to repressed, coming to the surface like word vomit. Once he started he knew he wasn’t going to be able to stop. “Which, you know I deserved to be raped for shooting my own fucking mom in the fucking head. Was the only one with balls enough to do it.” Negan just stared at him, wide eyed and mouth gaping, trying to take in everything the kid was saying. He wouldn’t have stopped him even if he could- he knew Carl had to get this out. But it was like watching a fucking train de-rail.

“Poor, fucked up, used, worthless Carl, that's it right?” Carl continued, getting off the bed and standing by it, and then pacing, anger just rolling off of him. He was yelling now, and he didn’t seem to realize it. Every so often he stopped at Negan and yelled in his face a little before backing off. “So what, I’m not good enough for you now that you know I was raped? I mean, you’re just using me to get off anyways- I’m just here for a good fuck. Which is all anyone wants from me anyways- you said it yourself that first night. And believe me, yes, everyone's made that quite fucking clear to me since I was like, 12. Just a pretty face- but oh wait, half of it got fucking shot off, and it's disgusting as shit- you're words Negan, not mine. But I deserved that too. Just a reminder now when I see myself of my dead fucking mom and how I blew her fucking head off and how I deserve everything I have coming to me. Oh, and now that we’re on the subject- my arm- my fucking arm that you were going to chop off? You thought that would hurt me- fuck me up? Fuck you. I wish you had gone through with it. I would have welcomed it. One more fucking reminder of how fucked up I am. I would have deserved that too.” He was standing in front of Negan now, shaking.

“So why does it matter? Why would you have done things differently if I’m just here for you to fuck anyways? Oh right- because you're Negan, you’re too good for anyone, especially fucked up, used, one-eyed fucking Carl Grimes.”

Carl turned around at that and Negan could have sworn the look he shot before he did could have killed. Literally killed him. Finally Negans brain caught up to what the kid was saying and he sprang towards Carl and grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him back. When Carl turned around to look at him and he saw the look on the kids face he literally felt his soul drop into his stomach. He wasn't sure if it was sheer devastation or betrayal or just plain...sadness.

“Let me go Negan.” Carl whispered, his voice breaking.

“Carl,” was all he could get out. He was still having trouble forming words.

“Let. Me. Go.” Carl said even quieter, but more forceful than before, pulling away again.

“No.” The two stared at each other for a moment that seemed like eternity. Silence. Carl pulled away one last time, Negan pulling him back, pleading with his eyes.

And then Carl literally shattered in front of him. He slid down the wall closest to him and let a scream that was all anger, sadness, rage, pain, rolled Into one. Negan fell to the floor with him and pulled him Into his lap. There was no denying it, Carl had been a ticking time bomb for a long time. This was the break Negan had been waiting for- he knew it had been a matter of time, and he almost felt relief wash over him as Carl dropped every wall he had ever put up. As Negan pulled him closer the kid made a feeble attempt to push him away, but it was half-hearted at best. Negan wrapped him in his arms as if Carl would die if he let go- he probably would.

He didnt shush him, didn't say everything was okay. Because it wasn't and Carl had to get this out one way or another. Painful sobs racked the kid as he grabbed anything he could, which happened to be Negans shirt. Negan kissed his hair, and finally whispered anything that came to his mind. “Get it out baby. I know, I know.” That was a lie. He didn’t know.

“I’m here now, you’re safe here. I got you. I got you. Let it out kid.”

In between gasping for air and sobs Carl started a quiet mantra of “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” clinging to the man like his life depended on it. [It did]. Negan didn’t know how long the two stayed like that, but when Carl finally quieted and stopped shaking the sun was high. All Negan did know was that at some point in his ramblings to quiet the kid an “I love you” had slipped out, and whether Carl had actually heard it or not was besides the point at this moment. Negan knew- no going back now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise next chapter is a little less depressing and a little more bad ass Carl again back to his old self.


	6. Chapter 6

Negan woke with a start. The sun was peeking in his room, brighter than normal. After a few moments he realized it must be late- really late.  He yawned, and sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Why were they so dry? Why did he feel fucking hungover? His hand drifted over unconsciously, feeling for a warm body next to him. There was none. 

His head shot over and he realized with a start that Carl wasn’t next to him. And then the events of the night before washed over him. It was like waking up from a bad dream- except instead of relief because it had only been a dream it was very real. 

“Carl?” he yelled out.  He scrambled off the bed, running over to the bathroom. He expected to find the worst- the kid was in such a state last night. Nothing. Negan spun around, heart racing, scrambling for the nearest clothes. He grabbed a pair of boxers, and made for the door- when it suddenly opened.

Carl calmly walked in with a plate of food. Negan almost collided with him, catching himself just in time.  

“Carl _where the fuck_ were you??” Negan demanded. Carl raised his eyebrow at him and smirked. 

“Um. Being nice and getting you food?” he quipped back. “Unless you missed this plate. Blinder than me, old man? You're the one with both eyes.”

Negan did not laugh. He was having trouble getting his heart rate back to normal, unsure of why Carl's disappearance had set him off so much. Last night has been rough. It had taken a few hours to get the kid back to normal, Negan finally dragging him off the floor and into the bed as the sun rose, wrapping his arms tightly around Carl and willing nothing else to hurt him. 

Apparently though Carl had already bounced back to his normal self, despite the fact that he was looking a little worse for wear. His eye was puffy and bloodshot, his hair more tangled than normal and he looked gaunt. Despite that, Negan was relieved that his usual shitty attitude was back.

“Well...thanks.” Negan said lamely.

Carl walked over and set the plate of food down on the bed, hoping back into it. 

“I told Dwight that you weren't feeling great and that's why you slept in. He seemed to have everything under control. Told him you'd be out in a bit. Sorry but I didn't talk to Simon, he kinda creeps me the fuck out, ya know? Anyways, things are fine out there.” 

Negan sat down on the bed next to him, Carl handing him the plate.

“You eat yet?”

Carl nooded unconvincingly.

“Bullshit.” 

“Fine, I'll have some of yours. I'm still not that hungry.” 

Negan decided not to press the matter and started in on the food, because he in fact was starving. Last night had taken a toll on him too.  Carl's eye watched him as he ate, a slightly uncomfortable silence settling over them. Things were different between them. Negan knew they had to talk more about everything, but the kid needed a break. 

Negan scarfed the food down, and then proceeded to mull over when he would go from there. 

“I gotta go check on a few things, and then I'm taking you to- do something, okay? How's your head?” 

Carl thought back to his migraine- it felt like it had been so long ago. Years instead of hours. 

“S’okay. Better than yesterday.” 

“Good. I'll be back.” Negan pulled on some clothes and went for the door. He contemplated kissing the kid on the forehead or something- anything to let him know he was there for him after the previous night. But he didn't want to push things. He didn't really know what to do with the kid, but he had an idea. He left without another word.

Carl sat on the bed, chewing his lip. Well, that had been weird. He absolutely had no idea how Negan had gotten all that out of him last night or how things had ended up like that. Negan had real problems to deal with, not his stupid ass bullshit. Truth be told it was a relief to have gotten everything out last night- he had needed it- but still. He never thought he would lose It like that. Had he really cried in front of him? Had he really unloaded all of his stupid ass issues on him? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Negan had liked him because he was badass- so what did Carl go and do? Cried in his arms for an entire night. Way to fuck that one up. No wonder he hadn't touched him this morning.

But one thing was nagging at him. In the haze of it all he knew for a fact that Negan had mumbled a lot of stuff, but one thing in particular stood out crystal clear. He had said he loved him. Carl knew he hadn't heard wrong. But, but. It was just something he had said to pacify the kid- right?  A comfort? 

Negan was back before Carl expected, and he jumped off the bed trying not to look like he had been day dreaming like a pansy. 

“Alright kid, time to get you out of this room.” Negan grabbed his stupid hat and threw it on his head. “Bring your knife, you'll need that.” 

Carl followed behind him slowly. Getting out sounded nice- he was never cooped up this long. But he had a strange headache, different from the usual migraine. Not as severe, but it was making him tired. His eye was sore- probably from fucking crying like a bitch- but he shoved that thought to the back of his mind.

“Where are we going? 

“You'll see. It's a surprise.”

Carl rolled his eye. “Oh yeah that's just what I need today.” 

“Hey- it's a nice surprise.” Negan said, swinging Lucille at nothing. He seemed anxious. 

“Gee, can’t wait.” Carl huffed out sarcastically, pulling on the nearest shirt. Carl followed Negan out of the room, all Saviors eyes on the two of them.  He wasn't sure where he was expecting Negan to take him, but when they rounded the corner to the trucks Carl felt his stomach drop. His thoughts of course immediately turned to the worst. Had Negan had enough of him and was carting him off to the woods to he rid of him?

Negan noticed the kids hesitation as they reached the truck. 

“Well come on, get in already.”

“I- where are we going?” Carl said more firmly than before. 

Negan looked at him over the hood of the truck with a semi-annoyed smirk, tapping Lucille on the hood. “You’re always trying to ruin my surprises, you know that?” still not giving in. He jumped into the driver's seat. Carl stood there dumbly for a moment but realized he was probably being ridiculous and cautiously got in. Negan stared at him, studying him for a moment and knowing something was off.

“You're looking at me like I'm a maniac who bashed your friends brains in with a baseball bat kid.” and he reached out and put a hand on his leg.

“You're such an ass.” Carl rolled his eye but actually grinned back at him. The touch put him slightly at ease. Why was he acting like this? He wasn't afraid of Negan. But he couldn't relax. Where the fuck was he taking him? He shouldn't have pushed Negan the last few days. He should have just shut up and not told him anything about his fucked up self. Why had he ruined things? Was this what anxiety was? 

They had driven for about 10 minutes, with Negan constantly looking over at him for some kind of reaction, his hand still on Carl's leg. Carl looked out the window aimlessly, his thumb running over his knife. Negan could literally feel the tension running off the kid.

Negan suddenly stopped the truck and cut the engine, and Carl looked at him apprehensively. He saw Carl's hand tense on his knife. 

Carl could feel himself panicking slightly. This was it.  Negan was going to gut him and leave him out here. He was done with him. Carl just had to he faster. Or- was the thought of death all the bad? Was he just running from the inevitable?

“Okay kid.” Negan began. “I know yesterday was a shit show.” 

Carl flinched. Here it comes.

“But I am really, really, _really_ fucking trying here, alright? You  _ gotta  _ stop acting like I fucking microwaved your goddamn puppy. What's going on in that messed up head of yours, besides the obvious?” 

Carl just sat there for a second with that damn glare, and Negan could have sworn the kid was trying to read his mind and it creeped him out.

“So. Judging on the fact that you were sorta okay this morning up until the time that I trekked your ass out here I'm guessing that you're thinking I brought you here to skin you alive out here or something don't you? Option b is that you are just being pissy, which is also entirely possible. And if you continue to glare at me like that you're gonna turn into your dad so cut it the fuck out. _For the record_ no I did not bring you out here to murder you. Coulda done that at the Sanctuary and saved myself the gas.”

Carl rolled his eye once again and looked out the window for a second. He knew he was being absolutely ridiculous but his brain felt like fucking soup after the last day. He huffed and then looked over at Negan.

“Look- I know I'm being shitty but considering I've been a real pain in the ass the last day, I just kinda figured you didn't want to deal with me anymore- I mean I wouldn't want to deal with me either. So I don't see why anyone else would, and considering you've never loaded me up Into a truck like this before and driven off into the middle of nowhere, I just...yeah. I know, I'm being ridiculous but I'm just trying to...process everything. I don't think my brain is working great right now.” he shrugged lamely and bit his lip not sure if Negan was going to laugh at him or slit his throat. Honestly both options were okay with him right now.

Of course he got the former reaction. “Jesus kid, relax. I'm taking you out to  _ hunt-  _ kill some dead things. I know a spot where there's been a higher concentration of those fuckers. Figured you could use a day outside of the Sanctuary and that killing things would do you some good. Just me and you and some dead fucks, ya know? Who said romance was dead?” 

Negan looked in the back of the truck suddenly. “And- and. Okay kid to prove it to you- and if you tell anyone about this then I will skin you alive I swear to God- I was trying to do something nice for you and I-” he pulled out a bag from the back. “I fucking brought us lunch for the day. For the record I hate you and you're turning me into a woman.” 

Carl stared at blankly him for one more moment. And then he found himself laughing hysterically. Relief washed over him. 

“Dead, kid.” Negan grabbed Lucille and held her up to his face. “Swear to Jesus christ on a raft. Feed you piece by piece to a Walker.”

Through laughs Carl finally got out “I’m- I'm sorry but did you pack us a fucking picnic? Who _are_ you?” 

Negan started the truck, shaking his head and then pointing a finger at him to emphasize one last time- _“Dead._ ” He reached out then and put a hand on Carl's head, roughing up his hair. “You good? You done laughing at me?”

Carl nodded, still grinning at him. “You're ridiculous, you know that.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Jesus I hate you.”

“Oh shut up, you love me.” Carl said casually sticking his hand out the window and feeling the slight breeze. Negan stared at him for a moment but Carl didn't seem to notice because he was looking at the window now. He wondered if Carl had heard him the night before in his ramblings. Yeah he had let ‘I love you’ slip out a few times. But the kid had been too far gone to notice right? Whether that was a good or bad thing he wasn't sure. 

The difference in the kid over the past few minutes was almost startling to Negan. Carl brought both his legs up on the seat, curling up and still feeling the breeze outside.  _ Finally,  _ Negan thought, finally. The kid was relaxed, even if just a few moments.

“You alright kid?”  Negan asked quietly.

Carl looked over at him and nodded. “I will be.” He took the hand closest to Negan's and wrapped the man's hand in his own. Negan leaned over and pulled him over to his side a little, kissing his temple. 

“You will.”  Negan said firmly. 

A few more minutes later Negan pulled off the road, after a sign that read ‘Winston Estates.’

“Alright kid, this is it. Time for you to kill some dead things and get me all hot and bothered,” as he jumped out of the truck. Carl met him by the drivers side door and hit him in the chest.

“Don't forget the picnic.” he said, smirking at Negan.

“Dead kid. You're so dead.”

 

 

It was a beautiful sight for Negan. He was cleaning his gun, not having to even look at it from familiarity, and watching Carl intently. The kid was genuinely happy. He could see him off in the distance, and his count was up to 13. He saw him sneak up behind a particularly decomposed Walker, grab it around the neck, and dig his knife his head. He looked over at Negan, smiling, and almost skipped over to him.

“What's the damage kid? Negan said as the kid approached, his attention going back to his gun. 

“Fourteen,” Carl said breathlessly as he sat down in front of him. Negan had known, but he didn't want to let on about how close he had been watching. 

“But you knew that already.” Carl leaned over and grabbed his face forcefully, pulling him into a kiss. “You like to count. Gets you all ‘hot and bothered’" he grinned at the man.

“Yeah, yeah.” Negan pulled back and took the sight of the kid in. His bandage was all askew and he had blood spatter all over his face and chest and hands. But he was happy. Negan leaned over and wiped a particularly large drop of blood off his cheek.  “You hungry?” 

Carl shook his head. “Not yet. Eat your picnic old man.” He went to get up but pulled Negans mouth again to his before the man could retort back. “Thank you,” Carl said. 

“For what?” Negan questioned quietly. 

“Everything. For bringing me out here. And knowing that I needed this.” he looked down at this hands for a second. “So I, um, I heard you last night.”

Negan felt his heart hammering in his chest. Shit.

“And I don't know if you meant it, but..” Carl continued. “But. Either way. I love you too.” he got up and took off towards the nearest walker, his knife ready and a huge grin on his face.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me some birthday kudos :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're here for angsty dialogue you've come to the right place. If you not here for angsty dialogue then you're shit outta luck, cause that's all this chapter is, sorryyy. Thanks for all the birthday wishes and kudos! <3

The sun was starting to get low when Negan spotted Carl finally making his way back through the tangle of trees with a huge grin on his face. Negan loved to see him like this. Even his walk was different than it had been the last day or two. He had known after last night that he had to do something to give Carl some feeling of control back- get him out of his terrible headspace- and it seemed to have worked. Granted, he looked like fucking shit but at least he seemed to be feeling better. His bandage was missing completely, and the blood spatter was now covering him almost head to toe in random spots. But damn he looked fucking happy, and that was all that mattered to Negan, who was still slumped against his same tree, gun extremely clean by now and the remnants of his packed lunch skewen everywhere around him. 

Cal sauntered over to him and sat down, straddling him and wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

“Miss me old man?” Carl smirked as he settled into his lap. Negan studied him for a moment and moved some of the hair that had fallen down by his bad eye to the side so he could see his whole face. “Not one bit.” he lied smoothly.

Carl immediately batted his hand away from his hair, smoothing his bangs back down so they covered most of his socket. “Fuck, I forgot that fell off.” 

“You're fine kid, even with all those guts all over you I think its past getting Infected. It healed good.” 

“Oh yeah cause that's what I was worried about.” Carl rolled his eye and gave his hair one last smooth over, hoping it completely covered his scarred side.

“You seriously still trying to hide that from me? How many times do I have to tell you that I love seeing you without that fucking bandage?” 

“Yeah well I hate it. No idea how you like it. I don't understand you and your weird ass socket fetish.”

“I just like seeing your face, is that so bad?” 

“When half of its gone, yeah it is. It's weird. You're weird.” 

“You're perfect.” Negan kissed him on the forehead. He wrapped his arms around his ass, pulling him to him even closer. Carl let out a little moan and Negan grabbed his chin forcefully, pulling him into a kiss that turned into all teeth. Negans hands were all over him suddenly, and Carl grinded Into his lap. His hands found his way into Carl's shirt as Carl bit up and down Negans neck, but it was more hesitant than normal and something felt...off...with the kid to Negan. He moved to Carl's belt as a kind of test and grabbed his chin, forcing him to meet his eye. There was some unreadable expression in his face.

“What's wrong?” He asked gently.

“Nothing.” Carl replied shortly. He was a terrible liar. He went back to Negan's neck but Negan pulled him back to face him again.

“Hey, talk to me.” 

“Its nothing. I'm just…” he looked out and bit his lip, eye avoiding Negan. “I don't think I can do this right now. I want you, I’m just... sore from last night.” 

“What the shit kid, why didn't you say something before? Fuck. I got carried away that first time, I was rough last night. Why didn't you say something in the shower?”

“Because I needed you then, and it wasn't that bad yet. It was worse when I woke up. Sorry, I-” 

“Hey, no. God I feel like an asshhole. I'm sorry.”

“You are an asshole, but not for that.” Carl grinned. “Besides, I already got you back by punching you in the face, remember?” 

“That you did. Come ‘ere.” Negan pulled him out of his lap and brought him into his side, Carl burrowing into his shoulder.

“You can always tell me to fuck off, you know that right? You need to know that. None of these games. I don't care If you're not in the mood or you just think I'm being an asshole that day. You don't want to, you tell me. I'm good at reading you but you're a little shit some days and I can't tell what's going on in that head of yours.” 

Carl stayed quiet for a second but his grip on the man tightened just a little, Negan running his hand through Carl's hair.

“I will. Thanks again for bringing me out here. I feel...better.” Carl said quietly.

“Yeah?” Negan kissed his temple.

“A lot better.” A nice silence settled over them, and Carl reached out and finally grabbed some of the food next to him to Negans relief. 

“I'm glad you know.” Carl said a few minutes later out of nowhere. He was looking off into the woods, eyes not meeting Negan, who couldn't get a read on him. Negan didn't know know whether to push it or just let the kid talk, so he stayed quiet for a second “No one besides my dad, Michonne and Daryl know but they were there, so...I haven't talked about it since it happened. With anyone.”

“You need to though. Did anyone try and talk to you?”

Carl shook his head. “Michonne kind of, I mean not exactly about what happened but she sorta let me know she was there for me. Things kind of went to shit the day after and then it just had kind of passed- which I'm sure my dad was relieved about because, you know, it’s not something anyone really wanted to talk about.” 

“What the fuck coulda happened the next day that was worse than what happened to you?”

“Umm, we almost got eaten. Not by walkers, like by actual living people. Like barbeque. I'm not kidding. They tried to cook us.” Carl let out a laugh at Negans wide eyed reaction.

“What the...how have I never heard this story before? How is that something in your past you just gloss over? Wait, and Rick thinks I'm bad?.” Negan said incredulously. Carl couldn't help but laugh at his reaction.

“I don't know, I guess it was a traumatic few days. Obviously we got out. But its it's not every day a kid gets raped and then almost cooked like barbeque.”

“No wonder you're a badass. Anything else crazy like getting eaten by cannibals that you want to tell me about it?” 

Carl laughed again, leaning into the man even more “Half the time I don't even remember half the shit that's happened to us anymore. Just the really bad shit obviously. But I'm not here to put all that on you, we've all been through shit. It's not important.”

“it is though." Negan paused. “I'm glad you told me too. You gotta talk about some of this shit. Got too much going on to keep that all in.” Another pause where Negan considered where he should go next  
“You have nightmares often about it or only when something sets you off?”

Carl shrugged and diverted his eyes again, but he reached up to grab the mans arms and wrapped them around him as tight as he could. “They’re worse when things are quiet. When we’re just trying to survive, you know, it's not as bad. But when things calm down I have them a lot. I hate it.” 

Carl played with a corner of his shirt, looking anywhere but at Negan who ran a hand through his hair, praying he would keep talking and finally get some of this shit out. He let a breath out when he heard the kid talk again. 

“The worst thing...the worst thing about it was just feeling helpless and that's what fucked me up the most. I tried to fight him off- I really did- but I couldn't do anything. Which is why I feel like its it's my fault. But honestly I didn't know what was even happening, I just knew I had to get out of there- and I just couldn't. I literally had no idea what he was going to do to me until he was fucking me. I just remember wishing I would just black out or he would kill me. I mean it felt like I was dying- and then I think I did pass out for a bit." He swallowed hard and became very interested in a leaf on the ground before he continued on. 

"I remember how the dirt tasted. I know thats weird but I think my mind just concentrated on anything besides what was happening. Next thing I knew my dad had literally ripped the guys throat out with his teeth who was kicking his ass and that's when the guy stopped. He put a knife to my throat and told my dad he'd kill me but, like, at that point I didn't even care. Funny thing too was these guys were only doing this because my dad killed one of their men. I guess I always have to pay for my dads shit. Not sure if getting fucked or having your arm cut off is worse though.” he finished with just the smallest smirk. 

Negan was quiet for a moment, still running a hand through his hair and holding him impossibly close. He was glad the kid was talking, and he wanted to get everything out of him that he could. “What set you off last night?”

“I don't know exactly.” Carl paused for a moment in thought. “I guess it was just everything, perfect shit storm. Too many similarities. I think there was just a second where I felt like I had lost control- which I like usually, don't get me wrong- but there was a second where I thought I had pushed you too far. Being face down, you were rough, the knife. I remember how your hand felt on the back if my head and I don't know why it just freaked me out and all of a sudden I wasn't in the room anymore. And suddenly it wasn't you on top of me, it was him, I swear to God. It seemed so fucking real. And don't ever tell me to 'stop squirming' because then I will freak out on you. He said that. I remember it really fucking clearly because that's kind of when I finally knew what was going to happen. I know its weird but I think that's what really fucked me up last night.” 

At this point Negan literally had a deathgrip on the kid, who didn't seem to mind, but Carl could feel anger running through the man. Negan turned him around to face him. “You know there was nothing you could have done right? This wasn't your fault.” 

Carl shrugged again, still not meeting his eyes. “Isn't that a canned response you're supposed to say to people who have gotten fucked against their will? Some generic rape victim consolation?”

“I have no idea. But I'm telling you it now and it’s true. And, I hope you know that now that you're stuck with my ass no one will ever lay a fucking finger on you again if you don’t want them to. Myself included. I will literally fry anyones face off if they even fucking look at you the wrong way. Remember what I did to your friends the night I met you? Anyone lays a hand on you what I did to them is going to look like a mother fricking stroll on a beach.” Negan was really heated, and was literally shaking with anger but and Carl couldn't help but try not to laugh as he continued on, amused at his protectiveness. 

“There won't be anything left of them, not even a fucking brain cell. No one is going to fuck with you ever again, you hear me? Not that you need protection, you're bad ass enough to take care of yourself, but still. Little extra back up from Lucille cant hurt. But seriously. Anyone touches you I will dismember them limb by limb and then-”

“Negan, Jesus, I get it.” Carl said, laughing. “I know, i know.” He grabbed his face and kissed him, gently at first as if thanking him and then allowing Negan to take a little bit of control. Eventually Carl pulled back, tongue sliding over his bottom teeth. “I like this, by the way. I should have done this sooner because the only time you shut the fuck up is when my tongues down your throat.” 

“Oh yeah?” Negan cocked an eyebrow. “Pretty sure the only time you shut up is when you're deep throating my dick, so watch who you're talking to.” he smirked.

Carl yawned. “Which I do often, and quite well, thank you very much, and I don't exactly hear you complaining.” he said with a grin through another yawn.

“Alright kid. Stay here for a second.” his hand reached out for Lucille as Carl jumped off of him and helped him up. 

“Where ya going?” 

Negan swung the bat aimlessly in his hand but Carl could feel the rage pouring off the man. “You're not the only one who feels better after killing these fuckers. I’m a little...worked up right now. Hang out here for a second. I'll be back. Here's my gun. In case you need two.”

Carl laughed and shook his head, taking the glock from him and sitting down where Negan had been. Negan was back in only 15 minutes but it looked like he bad killed a whole herd in that time with the amount of blood on him. He was out of breath, which was better than the rage he had been shaking with when he had left. Carl was pretty sure he had intestines on his shoe. But the edge of anger he had had before was gone. 

“Jesus you went on a warpath.” Carl stood up, smirking at him. “Feel better?”

“I do. Time to get you home I think.” Negan wrapped his arm protectively around the kid and kissed his hair as they walked back to the truck. Carl sat as close as he could to him and rested his head on his shoulder and he was asleep in less than a minute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit finally goes down in the next chapter. sort of.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter once again kind of just wrote itself, and it's a lot different than where I was picturing taking this story- but I'm happy with it. It's pretty dark and angsty. It does contain self-harm and mentions of implied suicide, sorry! I promise no one will actually die though haha! Have fun reading and leave me some kudos or comments! Let me know where you want to see this story go :)

It was dark by the time Negan pulled into the Sanctuary, Carl still fast asleep next to him. He nudged him a little but got no response- the kid was really out. After the long few days they both had had he realized he didn't have the heart to wake him. He sat in the truck quietly, mulling over what the kid had told him. Despite his little walker-killing rampage he felt no better, the anger flowing through him like some lava. Carl’s words just kept running through his head again and again and again. And again. How he wished to God he could find who hurt him and skin them alive. 

He needed a drink- or maybe ten. He needed to calm the fuck down first, actually, and then have a drink, but his head was clouded with anger and he didn’t care. After a moment more he went to the passenger side and gathered Carl up in his arms, the kid being just scrawny enough for him to carry. Or maybe it was the anger giving him adrenaline. Either way, Carl felt relatively light in his arms. 

There were a few people still milling about and they looked over at the two suspiciously. As he reached the door it swung open to reveal Dwight, who looked down at Carl, concerned.

“He alright?” he questioned.

“He is now.” Negan answered quietly. “Can you fetch me a bottle of our best liquor, Dwighty boy? I need a shot.”

//

Carl stirred, reaching out for Negan and wondering why it was so quiet in the truck. Were they at the Sanctuary already? He blearily opened his eye and realized he wasn't in the truck at all, but in their bed and stripped down to a shirt and boxers, and had no recollection at all of how he got there. He looked around the room but there was no sign of Negan. 

Carl realized he must be doing rounds. As much as he would love it, Negan couldn't spend all his time with him, and the last two days he had done just that. He yawned and laid still for a second, enjoying the quiet after the last few days. His head was still pounding, but it still felt better than yesterday. 

Carl caught sight of his discarded clothes on the floor, covered in walker blood and guts and every other bodily fluid imaginable, and realized a shower was probably in order. He made his way off the bed, and as he slid off he realized just how sore he was from last night and let out an audible gasp. He tried to tuck away the thought that it reminded him of the days after his run in with the claimers, but it wouldn’t leave and his stomach turned suddenly. He had thrown up more times in the past two days then he could count he felt like, but he didn’t have much left so he ended up just dry heaving everything up. He laid on the floor for a second afterwards, thoughts drifting to Negan. He realized he was starting to feel truly safe when the man was around, especially now that he knew what had happened to him. It was an unfamiliar feeling, and would take some getting used to, but he wondered if this was how it was supposed to feel. Being with someone, feeling safe. Wanted and safe. 

He hoisted himself off the bathroom floor, hissing slightly at the pain and then catching sight of himself in the mirror, which made him jump a little as he had forgotten his bandage had long been discarded. If he didn’t know he was alive he legitimately believed he could have passed for a walker between his socket, the leftover blood on his face from the day and his paleness from once again getting sick. Maybe he really was dead inside and his features were just finally reflecting that. 

He ran the shower hot again, silently thanking the powers that be that he had hot water here, and rested his head against the wall as he let the water run over him. He would have fallen asleep standing up if he hadn’t of heard the door open of their bedroom, loudly, and heard someone stumble in. Negan appeared a moment later, leaning against the bathroom door frame with Lucille in hand. Head still on the wall, Carl looked out at him, studying him for a moment and knowing something was off. 

“There’s my boy.” Negan sang out, now using Lucille as a kind of crutch and wavering on his feet. Carl’s brow furrowed and he shot Negan a glare, still not moving from his spot on the wall. 

“Are you drunk?” Carl asked, annoyed. 

“Nooooo,” Negan said, as if he was a child who had been caught doing something wrong. “Not drunk. Although I have been drinking. But. Just a little bit.” 

He sauntered over to Carl, holding on to whatever he could find as he made his way over, and started to remove his leather jacket in an extremely uncoordinated manner. “And I missed you.” he said quietly as he reached the shower. 

“Go lay down, you can’t even stand up. I’ll be out in a second.” Carl leaned out to kiss him gently to pacify him, but Negan beat him to it and grabbed him roughly by the face, shoving his tongue down his throat. He pulled back and growled out “Mine” into Carl’s mouth and kept a hand possessively around the back of his neck. He tasted overwhelmingly of liquor and cigarettes and it made Carl's head hurt even more. Suddenly Negan lost his balance and almost fell, essentially taking Carl down with him. Somehow Carl was able to steady them both and pulled Negan back up to his feet after a small struggle. 

“Jesus Neeg. How drunk are you?” 

Apparently very drunk. Negan didn’t even seem to hear him or seem very fazed at losing his balance. He stepped into the shower, clothes and all, and wrapped his arms around Carl, backing him into the wall he had been leaning against. 

“Ya know you’re mine, riiight?” he slurred out, resting his forehead on Carls. “But only mine.” whispering the last part. Carl realized it may just be best to go along with the mans antics until he could sober him up. Which would be awhile. He really wasn’t in the mood though to deal with this, and didn’t know why tonight of all nights he had to pull this shit. Maybe it was Negans way of coping with the shittiness of the last two days. 

“Only yours, you know that.” Carl repeated vack quietly, his hands going to the mans chest in a subconscious way to put some distance between them. Through his haze Negan must have slightly sensed what he was doing and he grabbed the kids hands and pushed them against the shower wall up above his head with surprising coordination for how drunk he was. 

“You’re perfect,” Negan continued on, his eyes locking with Carls. “s’why I want you all to myself. No one's gonna lay a hand on you again ‘cept me, swear ta God. ‘lright? Just me. Love you so much.” He kissed him roughly again, biting down and his teeth breaking Carl’s lip. Carl twisted one arm out of his grasp and and pushing Negan slightly away.

“Hey.” Carl said gently as he felt blood run down from his lip. “I know, I love you too. Let’s get you out of here though, oka-” he was cut off by the feeling of Negans hands all over him and being pushed even harder into the wall. Negans mouth found Carls shoulder, and he bit into it roughly, his teeth digging in enough to possibly draw blood, his hands now all over the kids body. He moved a little higher and repeated it up his neck. Carl let out a yelp of surprise, and pushed Negan away but he was still a lot stronger than him despite being piss drunk. 

“I want you” Negan whispered once he reached his ear, his grip on Carl tightening “So bad.” The water was now running cold. 

Carl tensed and grabbed his chin, making the man meet his eye. “Negan. You’re dunk. Let’s not do this now, okay?” he said, trying to rationalize with the man. Negans hand found Carls throat, and his hand twisted around it tightly. Usually Carl loved it, but he felt panic rising as Negan pushed into him, using the other hand to grab his ass and pull them closer together. “I know how much you like this baby.” Negan whispered out.

“Negan.” Carl gasped out again, trying to break him out of his drunken fog. “Stop. Okay? Just stop. I don’t want this right now. You don’t want to do this, I know you don’t” 

“No baby boy, you do, ‘s just me here. And I know I do. Want you so bad.” He continued to whisper as he once again bit into Carl’s neck and started to grind against him. 

“No, I don’t.” Carl shoved him hard and Negan fell back. Carl went to move out of the shower but Negan grabbed his wrist, catching him off surprise and twisting it painfully until he was fully back in the shower.

“What the fuck, babe? Yeah, you like it rough, don’t ya? C’mere.” He slammed into Carl with all the force he had, his hand gripping Carl’s chin roughly and holding him against the wall with his weight, tongue going down his throat and teeth brushing up against his already hurt lip, blood pouring out now. 

“Please Negan. Just stop.” Carl pleaded one last time. But it was too late. He felt his vision going black, and the panic rising. He wasn’t in the shower anymore. It was dark, and he heard his dad scream. Heard himself scream, and tasted the dirt. He couldn't breathe. Someone was on top of him, laughing. It hurt so bad. So fucking bad.

Out of nowhere, things cleared. Carl was on the floor of the shower. Negan was out on the bathroom floor, vomiting violently. Carl’s head was pounding, and he reached up to touch his forehead. He pulled his hand back and there was blood. A fuck lot of blood. He felt the panic rising again. No. No no no, he willed the thoughts away. He was at the Sanctuary. Negan wasn’t a claimer- he was just drunk and stupid. He reasoned that he must have passed out when he panicked and taken the two of them down. The alcohol must finally be catching up to Negan as he heard the man continue to be sick.

The water was still running, mixing in with the blood from his head, and the sight made Carl’s still weak stomach turn once again, but he grabbed a towel and climbed out, holding it to his head. Carl stumbled out and made his way past Negan to the bedroom. He crawled to the bed, and pulled the towel back. It isn't helping much, but it seemed to control some of it. He was shaking, whether it was from the cold or the panic he wasn’t sure. He wrapped the comforter around himself and kept his eye on Negan, who had stopped vomiting and was now lying on the floor. He may or may not have been lying in his actual puke, Carl couldn’t tell. 

Everything on Carl hurt. Everything. But he felt a terrible numbness at the same time. He had been so stupid to think he was safe with Negan. What the hell had he been thinking? He talked a big talk but he was just a kid like everyone said. A stupid ass little kid who had played with fire again and got burned. He deserved this. 

He bit his lip and felt a sharp pain, remembering that had been hurt too, and pressed his hand to his mouth. That was bleeding like crazy too. He was shaking uncontrollably now. His knife was laying on the bedside table and he grabbed it. Whether it was to protect himself or something else, he wasn’t sure. He ran the blade over his hand, the shaking causing it to dig into his hand. More blood. He smiled. 

The knife on his skin was a familiar and welcoming feeling. He remembered it being his only comfort after he had shot his mom, after things got really bad between him and his dad and when he thought Judith was gone. Whether Negan just didn’t notice the faint, healed lines on his arm or he chose to ignore him, he wasn’t sure.

Carl put the knife to his arm, not quite on his wrist but close enough. He gently grazed the skin, enough to bleed just a little but not enough to do any damage. He hissed at the pain, but closed his eye and reveled in the feeling. He had control finally. Control to end it. Control to choose what was going to happen to him next. He craved this feeling so bad. He didn't actually want to dig that knife in deeper, but the feeling of knowing he could- it was addicting. How easy it would be to just end it, what a relief it would be. He smiled as he dug it in just a little further and let out a breath. It hurt and felt so good at the same time. So, so good. A little deeper couldn’t hurt. Just to take some more of the pain away. Just a little more, though. Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow would be better. 

He hadn’t meant to cut extremely deep but the shaking made it hard. And all of a sudden blood was coming out of his arm and combined with his head it was making him lightheaded, so he laid back in Negans bed, breathing in the man's smell that was a mix of leather and just plain Negan. He was going to die loving that asshole. He knew Negan hadn’t meant to hurt him. Hadn’t meant for things to turn out like this. He was tired. So, so tired, but the pain was gone, and it was replaced with a feeling of giddiness.He stared up at the ceiling and his thoughts drifted to fucking Codger, of all things. He had loved that dog. He had been a present for his 5th birthday. He had been a good dog. He looked over towards Negan, smiling. He had to tell him about Codger, right this second. But Negan wasn’t there. Codger was though, and he was sitting by his bed, licking his hand. 

“Hey boy!” Carl whispered out excitedly. “I missed you so much. I was so worried about you.” Codger whined and jumped into bed with him, laying his head on Carl’s stomach. “I’m okay,” he told Codger quietly as he pet his head. “You were always such a good dog, Codger, I love you.” Carl whispered as he closed his eyes. “I knew you’d be here. Thank you.” The last thing he knew was Codger telling him to wake up and asking him frantically what he had done. I went to be with you, he told Codger. I went to be with you.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the comments last chapter! <3 
> 
> This is a little lighter than last time, needed a break from the heavy stuff. It's kind of a filler chapter before the serious stuff. I am a lazy piece of shit who doesn't want to do yard work so I wrote this instead lolol.

Carl came to in a daze. He wasn’t sure if he was awake or maybe just dreaming, only that he felt like he was underwater. The bed beneath him felt extra nice, and he wasn’t sure how long it was or how many times he was in and out of consciousness before he actually woke up. 

He finally cracked his eye open, blinking at the small amount of light in the room. He was so damn tired. He went to rub his eye and his arm caught halfway. Confused, he blearily looked down at his arm and realized it was literally tied to the bedpost. He didn't feel like his brain was working all the way yet- like he was in a huge fog. He looked around the room in a daze and spotted Negan on the couch, passed out in what looked like an extremely uncomfortable position and he smirked. Lifting his head off the pillow seemed like a considerable amount of work, so he laid there quietly and too stock of how he felt, which was a ridiculously long process with how slow his head seemed to be working. 

Carl slowly realized that he was in literally no pain at all. Maybe he was dead? He reached with his left hand and pinched his leg hard and barely felt it. He gave it a harder pinch- that didn't really hurt much either. He giggled softly. 

Carl was high as fuck, but he didn’t know it. Negan had demanded the kid be put on a steady drip of the only reserve of morphine they had. The doctor had put up a small protest because for one Carl's injuries didn't really require it, and morphine also wasn’t great for evaluating head wounds, but Negan didn’t care. He was going to make sure that kid was comfortable even it meant through going through every single supply they had. So there Carl was, now on a ridiculous amount of morphine, especially for someone who had barely had any drugs in their system their entire life. 

Carl looked over to his tied up arm and realized that there was also an IV in his arm. He wiggled his toes to make sure he still had all his body parts- a valid concern after once waking up with no eye. He slowly felt like was coming to, like the fog was dissipating. 

He suddenly remembered Codger. 

“Codger?” he rasped out quietly. He sat up, which proved to be a struggle, and looked for him aimlessly. “Codger, come out boy, I know you’re here.” He looked over at Negan, and smiled again, realizing he man would help him find him. 

“Hey- Neeg,” Carl said casually. No answer. “Neeeegunnn.” Carl sang out. “You have a weird ass name you know that? Is that your first or last name? How the fuck does no one know that?’” he mused out loud. “Negan!” He then said in a deep voice, and laughed at himself. At this he saw Negan start, and he looked over to him with extremely bloodshot eyes. For once Negan may have actually looked worse than he did. 

“Hey,” Negan said gently from his spot on the couch, jumping up. “I'm going to get the doc, hold on a second.”

“Where’s Codger?” Carl asked anxiously. “ I gotta find Codger. And what's up with this?” he sounded entertained by the restraint on his arm. “This is fun. Kinky. Anyways. You gotta find Codger, okay?” 

Negans brow furrowed and he moved off the couch a little, about half way over to the bed. He didn’t trust himself to get too close to him. The only good thing was Carl seemed high of his morphine-not just a little high, but a lotta high. At least he didn't seem to be in pain. 

“What, kid? What the fuck is a Codger?”

“My dog you idiot.” Carl said, as if Negan was the dumbest person alive and like it should be the most obvious thing on the planet. Carl started tugging hard at the restraint on his arm. “Can you take this off?” 

“Hey, no, kid. You have an IV In, you have to stay there, okay?” Carl huffed, and realized that when he did so some of his hair that was covering his face blew out of the way, so he continued to do it. God this kid was fucking high. 

“This is fun. Why I never done this before? And why are you all the way over there?” He reached out for the man and stared at him, pouting.

Negan looked at the floor hesitantly. He wasn’t sure what to tell him. 

“Negan, can you come here? I really need to tell you something.” 

“You can tell me from here.” He said sadly, rooted to the spot. 

“Noooo,” Carl whined out. “It’s like...it’s like a secret. So. I need you to come here. Okay?”

Negan took a deep breath and studied him. He rationalized that he couldn't hurt him just by standing next to him, so he slowly made his way over. When he reached the bed he stood there awkwardly. 

“Okay kid, what’s the big secret?” he asked, like you might talk to a 5 year old. 

Carl reached out and patted the bed. “Up here.” He said, very demandingly. 

“I’m fine here.” Negan held his ground. 

“ Just come up here with me Neeg. This is like a real secret.” Negan huffed and gently sat down on the extreme edge of the bed, his eyes locked on Carl, who reached out for him. 

“Well?” Negan said, and he couldn’t help but smile at the kid. 

“Negan.” Carl said seriously. “You’re like really, really terrible at this secret thing. I mean. Really bad! Closer.” 

Negan sighed and finally gave in, leaning as close as he could to him without actually touching him. 

“Okay. You ready?” Carl asked eagerly. 

Negan nodded, his face only a few inches from Carls. Carl looked around the room to check if anyone was there and then went back to looking him dead in the eye. In the most serious hushed voice he let out, “I think I only have one eye.” 

Negan just stared at him wide eyed, trying to process that that was what the kid was trying to tell him of all things. “What?” 

Carl nodded vigorously, mouth and one eye wide open like he was shocked too. “I know. I know. Crazy right? “

Negan shook his head at the kid and smiled at him again. “It is. But I won’t tell anyone, don’t you worry.” he said, going along with the kids antics. He couldn’t help himself and he reached out and ran his hand down Carls hair. 

“You better not.” Carl said seriously, and then suddenly wrapped his loose arm around Negan and cuddled into him. 

“Carl, hey...I don’t think-”

“I just want to cuddle. Why can’t I?" he said, suddenly sounding upset. 

“I-” Negan didn’t know that to say. 

“It’s because I only have one eye, right?” he said sadly. 

“No, that’s not- okay kid, Jesus, c’mere. I like you just fine with your one damn eye.” He undid the restraint on his arm and pulled him as tightly as he could despite the IV. Carl almost jumped into him, sighing contentedly when he found a comfortable spot. Negan ran a hand through his hair and kissed his temple, one last time. This would be the last time, he told himself. Carl would wean off his morphine and when he did he would remember everything and he wouldn't want anything to do with him. Or, even if he did, Negan wouldn't be able to bring himself to go near the kid again. He couldn’t hurt him again. Carl deserved so much better. 

Carl moved again and wrapped himself even tighter around Negan. 

“Neeg?” Carl said very quietly out of nowhere. 

“What baby?”

“Are you okay?” Carl asked, surprising Negan. 

“I- yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Why?” 

“You just seem sad. But I’m so tired.” Carl said, sounding suddenly truly exhausted. 

“Get some sleep then,” Negan said quietly into his hair, kissing him again. 

“You’re gonna leave though. Please don’t go. I really don’t want to be alone. I’m s’tired of being alone.” Carls grip tightened on him, but he was starting to drift off, his words growing softer. It was like his subconscious fucking knew, and Negan almost threw up when he heard the words come out of the kids mouth. 

“I won’t. I’ll be right here, okay? Right here when you wake up. You won’t be alone.” he lied. He hated this. He didn’t know if it was possible to feel your soul literally break but he was feeling it. 

“Promise?” Carl breathed out.

“I do.” 

“Okay.” he whispered. “I’m going to sleep, then, I think. Don’t feel so good. S’tired.” 

“Okay baby boy. I love you Carl.” he said for what he believed was truly the last time. Whether the kid heard it or not he wasn’t sure, because Carl had drifted off into peaceful oblivion by the time he finished the sentence.


	10. Chapter 10

Carl was sure he was drowning. This must be his own personal hell- an endless cycle of trying to get to the surface and it being just out of reach for eternity. Just when he thought he could breathe again something pulled him back under. And then- very suddenly- Carl came to. He was sitting in one of Negans trucks, watching a walker outside. It was the middle of a sunny day, and somewhere he could hear Judith laughing. He turned around to see Negan at the driver's seat, smiling at him. He could smell leather, beer and cigarettes on him mixing with the summer air and it was just perfect. 

“Hey Neeg,” Carl said gently, returning the grin. It felt like it had been a while since he had seen him, and he instinctually knew he had been missing him for what seemed like a long time. He leaned in to kiss him and closed his eyes, sighing as he reached him. And then suddenly it was dark. Carl was on his stomach, and as his eyes focused he could make out the woods around him. 

Confused, he looked up, and Negan was standing over him with Lucille. Behind him he heard a laugh- not just any laugh, he knew that fucking laugh. Someone was suddenly on top of him, holding his arms together, pinning him down. He started to struggle and looked up at Negan for help, but Negan just laughed at him like the man on top of him. But Negans laugh was colder, more crueler, the one he reserved for taunting people before he smashed their head in over 8 different states and then laughed in their loved ones face. 

Carl swallowed hard, panic rising, his vision clouding. He felt the claimer go for his belt, all his weight pressed against him, and he looked up again at Negan, willing him to stop this. “Not them, please, anyone but them.” he begged. But Negan just continued to laugh and swing Lucille aimlessly. His pants were being roughly pulled down, and he knew what was coming next. 

“Don't let them have me Negan, please. Not again. Don’t do this.” he cried out again, but it was useless. He felt his head being pushed into the dirt, could taste it again, mixed with blood from his teeth. Negan was now on the ground beside him, continuing his taunting. And then the terrible, familiar white hot pain that he knew so well began as the man pushed inside him roughly. This- this was worth than death, worse than anything. Carl screamed out and felt his head being pushed into the dirt even more. Suddenly he felt someone grab his hair sharply.

Negan held him by the scalp, eyes taunting him and that grin still on his face.

“Please Negan. Make it stop. Don’t- Don’t let them do this.” he was really begging now, words pouring out without thought. But Negan wasn’t going to help- he wasn’t. “Or just- just end it. Please. You have Lucille.” he was crying now, tears mixing in with the dirt. 

Negan grabbed his chin. “Kid... you ain’t good enough to die at Lucille’s hands.” he laughed. “What the fuck you talking about? Getting’ what you deserved. You're worthless. Well except for that tight ass of yours we all love to use so much. And shiiiit do we sure love to use it. Nothing but a pretty, fucked up face who's only good for a fuck. But you already knew that, right?” 

And he smacked his cheek roughly for good measure. 

The amount of pain that was running through him must mean this wasn’t survivable, Carl thought hopefully. It would be over soon. He looked around for his dad- maybe he was coming this time- but there was no one but Negan and his taunts. Carl willed himself to black out, to stop feeling even if just for a moment. And then he was falling. 

// 

Carl was in and out of consciousness for another day. When he was awake he wasn’t really fully conscious as he had been last time, but more of an anxious stirring where the world seemed to come into focus for a few seconds and then he faded again. Negan wasn't sure if he wanted to be there when he actually finally woke up- part of him, well, all of him, wanted to be there, but he knew better. He had no idea how Carl would react when he finally saw him with a clear head for the first time. Would he even remember everything? Would he hate him- or worse, not hate him at all and not realize how bad Negan had fucked up? He remembered the night of Carl's little rant, how he had said he felt like he deserved everything he got. He remembered it so clearly because he literally broke in that moment for the kid. 

Negan knew what he had to do. As soon as Carl was relatively healed he was shipping that kid back to Alexandria as fast as he could. Go back to business as usual and try and forget about the whole thing (he knew he wouldn't be forgetting anytime soon) and hope he didn't permanently damage the kid for good. Which was almost a joke because of course he was already seemingly fucked up beyond repair- but Negan certainly wasn't helping things. He never should have trusted himself around Carl. He forgot so often that he really was just a kid (who had been through much more than most adults had and who was more built for this world than anyone he had ever met, but that was besides the point). 

Negan had originally brought him here because he wanted him on his side. Carl was too valuable to not have. He could lie to himself and say the lines had blurred between wanting him as his right hand man and just plain wanting him around the time he crawled out of that damn and truck and killed his men. But that was a lie. It went back to that first night- well morning, really, when he told Rick to cut his arm off. He had never seen anything like it, never, when Carl had looked up at him and given him the okay to chop a fucking piece of himself off without much thought From that second Negan was hooked in a crazy, twisted way. But he had gone too far. This had to stop, now. 

Carl stirred fretfully for the millionth time that day and Negan knew he should leave, but he couldn’t. Carl suddenly yelled out in his sleep, and Negan ran over to him, running a hand through his hair and shushing him. He was sweating buckets and mumbling something incoherent and seemed stuck in some terrible internal hell. 

“Morphine dreams.” said a voice behind him suddenly. Negan turned around to find the doctor standing there, observing the two of them quietly. 

“What?” Negan asked dumbly. 

“Morphine dreams.” The doctor repeated. “It’s what we call them. Morphine- it’s known to cause vivid dreams- well nightmares really. Hallucinations. Patients would wake up and not know what was real and what was a dream sometime, that sort of thing. I’ve already started to wean him off, don’t worry.” he added, seeing Negans slightly panicked reaction. “I know he’s been awake already a few times, but when he truly does wake up he’ll be pretty out of it. Not loopy like last time, just..in a fog. It’ll be important for you- or someone he at least knows- to be here when he does wake.”

Negan just nodded, panicking slightly at the thought of him waking up, but now also feeling another wave of tremendous guilt for putting the kid on morphine to begin with. He had just been trying to help, and as usual had probably made things worse for him. As if he needed a drug to give him nightmares- Carl already had plenty of those on his own. The doctor made his way out quietly. 

Carl stirred again, breathing out his incoherent mumblings until there was one word that he clearly heard- “Neeg,” as he clawed at something that didn't exist, at least not in this world. Against his better judgement Negan moved into the bed with him and wrapped him up in his arms. 

“I’m here baby, I’m here, shhh.” he said quietly over and over again. Carl instantly quieted. Somewhere his conscious was craving contact and he burrowed into Negan with a little sigh. A few quiet moments passed and then Carl suddenly jumped and pushed away from him, crying out. 

“Not them, please, anyone but them. ” He cried out breathlessly. Negan started his mantra again in an attempt to shush him but this time instead of quieting him it just seemed to make things worse. 

“Not again. Don’t do this.” Carl said desperately. Negan was now getting frantic himself. He didn’t know what was going on in Carl’s head but he had to drag him out of it. “Please, Negan, make it stop.” he cried out, begging now. 

Negan grabbed his face roughly, willing him to wake up and yelled his name, but no response. He shook him, pulling him into his arms, begging now himself for him to wake up. “Please Carl just wake up, please. I’m sorry.” In a moment of panic he did the only thing he could think of and smacked Carl harshly against the face. It worked. 

Carl's eye opened wide suddenly, unfocused and terrified, but more awake then he’d seen the kid in a day or two. He sat there unmoving, besides shaking tremendously, and trying to catch his breath. He looked around the room suddenly, confused. His eye finally focused on Negan, who reached out to him slowly. In an instant Carl had shot across the bed and to the other side, as far as he could. He stared at him, panting, and with the most terrified look he had ever seen on him. Negan held his hands up as if in surrender.

“Just me kid,” he said quietly. Carl shook his head, looking around again. 

“Breathe, okay, just breathe.” Negan said softly, catching his attention again. More staring. Carl looked like he was some kind of animals prey and just sat there on the edge of the bed, too scared to move. Negan decided to stay quiet and give him a moment to come around. He saw a wide array of emotions cross Carls face over the next few moments as he worked to sort through everything in his head. Carls breath was starting to return to normal but his eye remained locked on Negan. 

“One hell of a dream, huh?” Negan questioned gently. A confused look passed over Carls face as he tried to sort out what had just happened. They were at a standstill. Carl suddenly started to scan the room with intense scrutiny, his eyes ultimately landing on Negan again. 

Carl locked his eye with the mans, and Negan saw something different in them. 

“Get out.” Carl said quietly through a raspy voice, but firmly.

“Wh-what?” Negan questioned. He had of course heard him- half of him was even expecting that reaction. But- but no. That couldn’t have been what he had said. 

“Get. Out. And don’t touch me again.” It didn’t need to be repeated twice. 

A small part of Negan felt relief at those words. There- finally, finally- was that little badass emerging again that owned his soul. He was broken, but he still had some fight left and that was all Negan could hope for.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They talk AND theres some smut. Little miracles lololol.

Negan gave Carl his space that evening and most of the next day, sending Dwight and the doctor in at random intervals with food and to check on him. But leaving the kid alone at night at the Sanctuary left him uneasy. He saw how some of his men looked at him- it was how he looked at him, but fuck them, he was allowed to look at him like that. And after all, it was his room he told himself- kid couldn’t kick him out of his own space. 

It was dark as he padded up to the room and opened the door quietly, not really sure what state he would find him in. The kid would be pissed still, of course, but he could deal with that. To his surprise Carl wasn’t in sight when he walked in. He cautiously walked over to the bathroom, hoping he wouldn’t find him like he did the last time- wrist slit, head pouring out blood, unconscious- basically dead. He shook the thoughts out of his head- he had seen a million other things more gruesome than the state he had found Carl in. But he couldn’t get that image out of his head for the life of him. 

Carl was in front in front of the mirror, back turned to Negan. His hair was sopping wet and a towel hung low around his waist. His bandage was off and he was leaning into the mirror, trying to get a good look at the huge wound that now marred his forehead. Negan stood behind him quietly, studying him, and leaned against the door frame, steadying himself for what was bound to be one hell of a pissing match. 

Carls eyes met Negans in the mirror finally, but he didn’t turn around. He locked eyes with him for a moment and then his eye wandered down to the sink, knuckles white on its surface. Negan saw him bite his lip, and then a cringe cross his face as he realized he had re-opened it, yet again. Instinctively Negan reached over for a towel and offered it to Carl, who surprisingly took it from him.

“Thanks.” Carl said, extremely quietly, and held it up to his lip. Between his head, lip, wrist, and eye the kid was a fucking train wreck, and Negan felt the will to stir up a fight leave him almost immediately as he watched him dab at his face. Carl must have felt Negans eyes on him and he looked up at him. 

“What?” he said softly- there was no bite, no fight left in him, just quietness. This hadn't been the Carl he had been expecting to encounter. 

Negan shook his head. “Just lookin’ at you kid.” he answered simply. 

“Yeah, well, I’m not much to look at it anymore.” Carl turned around again and grabbed one of the bandages on the sink and started to wrap his eye. Without even realizing what he was doing Negan stepped towards the kid and put a hand on him. Carl didn’t react so Negan took it as a good sign and wrapped his arms around him, putting his lips on his neck gently over the bite marks he must have left that night that were healing.

This wasn't supposed to be how things went. Negan was supposed to walk up here, the kid was supposed to be pissy, the two of them were supposed to fight it out (because that's just what they did) and then he’d tell the kid he was sending him back to Alexandria tomorrow. That was it. End of story. But Negan couldn't stop himself- and he hated it. Hated the control Carl had over him like no one else ever did. Hated that Carl was an unpredictable little bipolar shit who could play this game better than he could. He truly didnt trust himself around the kid anymore- but still, he couldn't stop himself. 

Carl stopped bandaging his face and instead just closed his eye and got very still. After what seemed like eternity Negan put a hand on his chin and gently turned him around to face him. Carl still wouldn’t meet his eyes, but he didn’t resist. Negan took the hand on his chin and brought his face up to him. 

“Look at me.” Negan said softly. Surprisingly Carl did. Negan didn’t see any fight in the kids face like he had before, and it worried him. He ran the pad of his thumb over his chin and tried to read the kid, but he wasn’t getting much. Carl fucking infuriated him sometimes. Most of the time. He hated not knowing what the hell was going on in that crazy, fucked-up, crossed wired brain of his. One minute the kid was sucking his dick and the next he was off-the-wall crazy. There wasn’t much in between. Maybe that’s why he loved him. 

“C’mere.” Negan said as he grabbed his hand gently and led him over to the bed. Carl followed him until they reached it and Negan had sat on the edge. He stared blankly at the man for a moment, and then hesitantly sat down far from him. He had a shirt laying on the bed and he quickly pulled it on and then went back to staring at the bandage on his wrist. Negan reached out and put a hand on him, and Carl jumped a little but didn’t do much besides that. 

“Kid.” Negan started quietly. “I’m gonna be real fucking honest here. You’re gonna need to tell me what you want. Because I really have no idea what the fuck is going on in that head of yours right now. I fucked up- really bad. But I need you to tell me to either fuck off or talk to me. I know what you said last night, but I know that morphine messed with your head really good. So give me something to work with here.”

Negan reached out and took Carl's arm in his hand, running his thumb over the bandage there. 

“I'm just tired.” Carl said suddenly, still not looking at Negan. “I'm so tired. I don’t wanna fight anymore.” His eye finally met Negans. “I don’t know what you want from me and I'm tired of trying to figure it out.” 

“So tired that you wanted to kill yourself?” Negan regretted the words the words the moment they came out of his mouth, but, well, he was an asshole and he couldn’t stop them. So much for not fighting. Instead, a genuinely confused expression ran across as Carl's face. 

“What?” he questioned. “I- that wasn't. I wasn't trying to kill myself.” he said it very factually, no spite or defense in his voice. “I was being dumb, but not that dumb. I just...needed a distraction.”

“A distraction?” Negan asked harshly, with a slight edge to his voice. He couldn’t help but be mad at the kid. He had been dumb, selfish, careless- he could have easily killed himself if Negan hadn’t found him in time. 

Carl sighed and rubbed his good eye with his hand. “Look I really don’t want to fight, okay? I started cutting after things got really, really bad. I had killed my mom, my dad and I were at each others throats. I- I stopped feeling bad when I killed people and I realized how fucked up that was, but I couldn't help it. Judith was gone, we thought she was dead. I got raped. But, well, It helped. It was the only thing they helped me. I haven’t done it in awhile-”

“I know. I saw the scars.” Negan interrupted “I just decided to save that battle for another day.” 

“Okay. Well. Yeah it was dumb, but I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I was shaking really bad, I was just really fucked up, unless you forgot what the fuck you had just done. And I must have cut too deep and that’s the last thing I remember. I get it. I was stupid, but you were too that night.” 

“So it’s not something you’re going to do again?” Negan questioned. 

Carl just shrugged. “Sure.” he said, like a parent would to pacify a kid. “Just like you’re never going to get drunk and fuck me again.” Negan cringed a little and Carl looked away from him and then sighed. “Look, I’m just tired of fighting. It’s like all we do except fuck. This is...even I can see this isn’t working.” 

Negan nodded. “It’s not. Pretty sure shipping you back to your dear old dad is the best solution here, don’t you think?” 

Carl shook his head. “I mean, that wasn’t what i was thinking, but sure, I guess.”

Negan looked at him with his eyebrows raised, waiting for him to elaborate. Carl noticed his look. “What?” he asked, confused.

“Well what’s my one-eyed serial killer thinking?” 

Carl suddenly became very interested in the fray in his towel. “Nothing. I’ll go back, it’s fine.”

Negan shifted over to him for the first time and put his hand on his chin. “Hey. Talk to me. This isn’t a fight, we can talk like two actual fucking adults here. I thought you’d want to to go back. RIght after I realized what I’d done I was about to send you back that same night. But.” he stopped for a moment. “You have a way of getting under my skin. I hate it. You want to stop this- we’ll give it a try. Not making promises because i’m an asshole and that’s what you got when you signed up for life with me, but you’re a little bipolar shit and you know it.” Carl grinned at him. 

“Never signed up for life with you, remember?” Carl said with a laugh. “You’re the one who dragged me here.” 

“Yeah, well, I didn’t see you complaining much.”

“Not at all.” 

Negan moved up to the head of the bed with him and gathered him up. He seemed impossibly smaller in his arms than he had before. Carl seemed tense at first but eventually moved into him and relaxed into his side. 

“By the way, never put me on morphine ever again.” Carl said softly as he began to fall asleep. 

“Oh well excuse me for trying to fucking help, princess.” Negan countered back sarcastically. Carl smacked him lightly. 

“I still feel like I’m underwater. Just want to sleep. How long does it take this stuff to wear off?”

Negan shrugged. “Dunno. But if you’re stuck in bed a few more days I won't complain.”

Carl rolled his eye and looked up at him. “You’re such an ass.” he laughed. Negan reached out and moved the part of his bangs that hung over his bad eye so he could see his face. It was a familiar gesture that he did often, but Carl always hated it. He had forgotten that he hadn’t actually wrapped his face- he tended to only do that around Negan.

Negan ran his hand softly over the scar tissue that ran down his face and Carl moved in towards him and kissed his hand gently. He moved his hand down to his chin and pulled Carl towards him, but very softly. The kid suddenly pounced on him, fighting roughly to get his mouth open.

Negan pulled back and grabbed his arm. Carl had a confused look on his face.

“Stop, Jesus kid. You wanna start things over? Then you let me show you how to do real shit that people do when they’re together. You don’t always have to fucking jump down my throat, okay?” 

Carl shrugged, looking very lost. “I've only done this this with you alright? And that's what we've always done- I'm not ‘jumping jumping down your throat’ I just...that's all I know, okay?” 

Negan stilled for a moment and thought about the actual gravity of those words. Slowing down, taking his time with sex, savoring it, was something not really for this world. It had been reserved for Lucille when she was alive, and since then everything- including just life in general- was just hard and fast and rough. That included Carl. Maybe especially Carl. Because he couldn't afford to slow things down and actually develop feelings for him. So the only thing the kid knew was how to be fucked. And that was his own fault, he realized suddenly. 

“Well. You should know more. So, just relax, alright?” Negan put a hand on his face again and drew him into him slowly, their mouths meeting. Carl was hesitant to move now, and let Negan lead him into a torturously slow kiss. Carl wasn't really sure what to think at first- it seemed ridiculously slow, pointless even. But after a minute or so he realized how relaxed he felt. How he was enjoying Negan's hands quietly moving all over him, teasing him in a way he had never known. He let out a breathy moan when Negan's hand teased at his hip bone where he had tied the towel around himself while the man simultaneously sucked on his bottom lip. 

Negan pulled back after a few minutes and smiled at him. “See? Not so bad, huh?” Carl shook his head and moved back to him, hungry for more. He had thought wrong- he could do this for hours. He felt Negan slowly work down his neck at a ridiculous pace, savoring every inch of skin, leaving a line of little marks. Carl moved his hands over the man's body, softly playing with the skin right above his waistband, sometimes going lower, hus other hand up in his shirt. Without Carl even realizing it Negan was suddenly on top of him, continuing his slow pace down his neck and now collarbone. He worked his way down to his stomach, Carl realizing that he was having a hard time controlling his breathing, but not in the usual bad way. No this, this was very good.

After a few minutes of him working his way down as slowly as he could Negan stopped right above the towel that was still loosely hanging on at Carl's waist and nipped at the skin there gently, Carl's eye closing while he worked his hands through Negans hair. Negan untied the towel at the knot with his teeth and pulled it down, smiling up at the kid before he bit at his hipbone, actually sinking teeth in. Carl moaned and dug his fingers into his hair even more. 

“Now don't rush me like you always do, okay?” 

“What?” Carl breathed out. “I never-" 

Negan silenced him with a glance. Carl never felt like Negan was getting anything himself by going down on him, so even though it was mind-blowing every time he couldn't help but feel the whole time like he should rush to the reciprocating part. When things were reversed he could go down on him for hours of course-he loved it, more than he probably should, but he didn't quite know what to do when the attention turned to him.

“I enjoy this too, you know. Just relax.” Negan said softly, licking the sensitive skin of his inner thighs. Carl let out a moan and closed his eye, and tried to relax. Everything felt so new and different when he actually stopped to enjoy it like this. The drugs weaning out of his system may have played a role in quieting him a little, but regardless for once he felt himself completely surrender to everything he was feeling. When he finally felt Negans mouth on him he was almost dizzy. 

Like with everything that day Negan started off slowly but it didn't take long before he took Carl fully. It also didn't take long for Carl to realize he was already on edge quicker than he ever had been. The build up had been so good, and now he was sensitive to every move of Negans mouth. It was similar to his drugged out high he had been on- everything seemed to move in slow motion and he felt every-fucking-thing. With a smile Negan pulled off of him and looked up at him, Carl totally blissed out and his head back on the pillow.

“Look who finally relaxed and fucking enjoyed himself for once.” he said softly, his breath teasing warm and on Carls dick.

Carl sat up and grinned back. “You win. This is...this is good.” Negan came up and Carl pulled their mouths together, and started to arch his body up towards the mans, wanting more. He whimpered a little when Negan pulled back and to his surprise began to make his way down again. Carl propped himself up on his elbows.

“Come back.” he said breathlessly, reaching now for Negans hair. “I need you inside of me.” 

Negan chuckled and looked up at him. “Told you to shut up and relax, remember? That's where I intend on going. My tongues going to feel pretty. damn. good inside of you.”

He saw Carl's one eye widen and a moan escape from the kid as he processed what he had just heard. Negan laughed.

“God you're so perfect. You didn’t even know that was a thing, did you?”

Carl shook his head, his eye not leaving Negans. The world wasn't like before. There were no movies, internet, or stumbled upon television show with soft porn at 2am. What Carl knew he knew from Negan, a few magazines he had found when he was 13, and everything he had grasped before the world went to shit- which wasn't much for his 10 year old brain. He had stumbled across his mom being fucked by Shane in the woods one time right after they had made camp, but he had tucked that away and tried to forget it since it was so soon after his dads loss. 

“Well you're in for a treat then. Something tells me eating you out is gonna be my new favorite thing.”


	12. Chapter 12

Things had been quiet the last few days at the Sanctuary. Eerily quiet and calm. Usually this would unnerve Negan but after the previous few days he reasoned they could use a break. He had tried, unsuccessfully, to keep Carl in their room recovering for as long as he could but it hadn’t lasted long. Short of tying him to the bed again (and not in a fun way) there was nothing he could do to keep him in the room for longer than a few hours. If you ignored the obvious gash on his forehead Carl seemed pretty much back to normal to the outside world. After 2 days Negan had given up on keeping him locked away and gave him small, quite mundane tasks to do, like supervising inventory (which earned him a hug one-eyed glare but Negan told him he should be lucky he was allowing him to do anything). 

Carl was back to normal, except, he wasn’t. As much as he tried to hide it from Negan- and he really, really was trying- he wasn’t sleeping. When he did sleep, which was rare, he would be awake in an hour or two in in a panicked haze. The first few seconds after he jolted awake, or Negan himself woke him up to draw him out whatever hell he was stuck in, were unbearable. In those few seconds Carl either tried to distance himself as far as he could from Negan, crawling across the bed in a haunted, terrorized daze, or he woke up with a look in eye like he would kill the first living thing he came across. Negan was pretty sure one day he’d wake up with the kid slitting his throat, but if that's how he went out then that’s how he went out. He was also pretty sure he prefered killer Carl over terrified Carl, but he seemed to get the former most nights. 

After a night or two it seemed like the kid did everything he could to avoid sleep without actually saying that’s what he was doing. Negan had woken up in the middle of the night a few times over the last few days to find him reading- or maybe at this point of the night he was just staring at the page. Tonight was no different. Just as Negan was about to fall asleep in a wonderful post-sex sated sleep Carl quietly made his way out of bed and when questioned said casually that he was going for a walk. The kid had been pissy about Negan following his every move- “I’m not going to slit my wrist the second I’m out of sight, you know.” - he had told him yesterday, so Negan just went along with it instead of picking his usual fight. He didn’t like the kid going out at night, but he knew it was probably not worth the fight. 

“Take this. And watch your pretty ass.” Negan said tiredly, eyes still closed and pushing his gun towards him across the bed. 

Carl leaned over him and brought their mouths together slowly. “Don’t worry, I’m covered.” Negan peeked his eyes open and saw Lucille in his hand. 

“You’re lucky I like you kid. Thinkin’ you can just take Lucille like that. Put her back where she belongs.” But Negan rolled back over and shut his eyes, drifting to sleep. 

Carl had started his walks a few nights back but Negan apparently hadn’t noticed until tonight. Night was the worst time for him, and he found that his incessant pacing around the Sanctuary was the only thing that kept his mind off things and exhausted him to where he could finally fall asleep for a little bit- well, that, and also an unhealthy amount of sex to try and unsuccessfully wear himself out, but even Negan had his limits.

After about an hour of aimless walking with his book in hand Carl made his way over to his newly found favorite spot in the bed of one of the trucks. He laid in the bed, hat as a makeshift pillow, and looked up at the sky realizing finally what a nice crisp evening it was. It was never quiet outside like it was inside the Sanctuary or Alexandria at night and he loved it. There was always some kind of noise to keep his mind distracted, whether it be walkers or crickets or some unknown animal. 

He had never slept well in silence. When he was younger Rick and Lori had a terrible wall AC unit that could wake the whole neighborhood, but the static noise grew on him, and when it was replaced when he was 6 he realized he couldn’t sleep without the noise. His past life seemed so far away now. He wondered briefly about the chances of him and Negan meeting had this all never happened. That was laughable though. He’d probably be a super polite, quiet kid who found some normal boring girl to take to prom. He’d hold her hand all nice like Enids and probably not feel a damn thing but he’d put up with it because that’s what society would tell him to do. Or maybe- maybe he had always been fucked up and the darkness would have come out full force either way. Regardless, Negan was probably the last person he’d end up fucking.

“Can’t sleep?” a voice startled him from outside of the truck and he jumped up, Lucille ready to go. He breathed out a sigh of relief when he saw it was Dwight. Probably the only other relatively normal fucker around the place. 

Carl shook his head. “Looks like you can’t either.” 

Dwight shrugged and lit a cigarette. “Who can nowadays? Or maybe it’s just guys with fucked up faces that have trouble.”

Carl laughed, a foreign sound he realized after the few days. Dwight held the cigarette out to him after a drag and Carl hesitantly took it. He had smoked for the first time about two weeks ago and he still wasn’t quite sure if he liked it or not. 

“You even old enough to smoke?” Dwight asked jokingly. 

Carl shrugged and laughed again. “No idea honestly. I’m 18...I think.” he handed him the cigarette back after a small drag that barely spread the smoke to his lungs. 

“Age and rules are all bullshit anyways. Stupid shit that doesn’t even matter anymore. You were probably killing walkers at what, 14?”

“Uh, like 11. 12 maybe. Great childhood.” Carl smirked, Dwight's eyes widening just slightly. 

“Shit kid, you can have your own cigarette then, you deserve it.” A comfortable silence fell over them and in the distance walkers groaned somewhere. 

“You doing okay?” Dwight finally asked, breaking the silence and taking Carl by surprise. Before he could answer Dwight continued. “Negan was...he was in rare form that night you got hurt. Something had really set him off. I tried to talk his drunk ass out of it because I knew you were going to take the brunt of it- and you did, and... I’m sorry.”

Another silence where Carl sought out the right words, but Dwight again saved him the trouble. “ I don’t know what’s going on between you two, and I don’t know what happened that night, but- I’m sorry. Negans...he’s a lot to deal with, but you’re a tough kid- you seem to handle it well. He’s a lot for one person to take on though, alone. If you ever need a friend, someone to just bitch to about having a fucked up face like me, well, I just wanted to let you know I’m here. Not in a creepy way, sorry that came across as weird.” 

Carl didn’t answer immediately. He opened his mouth to say ‘I’m fine, it wasn’t a big deal’, but he couldn't. He realized it was refreshing to have someone talk to besides Negan. Instead, Carl just nodded, swallowing hard and simply said “Thanks. No, that’s….I appreciate it.” while thumbing at his book. 

“Well I’ll leave you to...” Dwight motioned to the book in Carls lap. 

“Lord of the Flies.” Carl smirked. “Only thing I could find that was semi-interesting. 

“It’s a good one. I have a few I’ll let you can have when you’re done with that.”

“Um well at this rate that’ll be like, tomorrow night,” he laughed. “But that’d be great, thanks.” And Dwight set off with a nod, leaving Carl with more confusing thoughts than he had had before. He hated that he was probably looked upon as the poor kid who was stuck with Negan. Negans bitch. Negans slut who had no power around here. Negans weird fucking wife that didn’t quite fit in because, well, he was an 18 year old kid. That was going to change. If they really were starting over- if they were, well, together, Carl was going to take some of that control. People would have to learn to respect him just as much as they did Negan, and they wouldn’t just respect him because he was Negans. That was the only way this could work. 

Carl found himself making his way back to their room without realizing it. Negan was still in the exact same spot he had left him before. He locked the door and set Lucille down besides the bed and crawled on top of him, straddling him. He didn’t stir one bit and probably needed sleep but Carl didn’t give a shit. He sat there for a moment, contemplating what he was about to do. And then out of nowhere he backhanded him hard across the face and Negan jumped up, confused. 

Carl’s hand went to his throat and Negans eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head in surprise. He relaxed a little when he realized it was just Carl but yelled out “What the shit!?”

“Shhh..” Carl shushed him, starting to grind on top of him. He leaned forward on to him and nipped his ear roughly, probably drawing blood. “Do I have your attention, daddy?”

Negan choked and then groaned at his words, and Carl felt him harden beneath him. 

“Fuck yes.” he breathed out, putting his hands on Carls hips and drawing him into him. “What’s gotten into you?” 

“Good,” Carl said, tightening his grip on his throat. “You’re going to fuck me. Hard, right now, and you’re going to do what I say.” Negan was panting now, and reached his hand up to Carl, who grabbed it and slammed it back down on the bed. 

“No.” Carl said firmly. “You don’t move unless I tell you to.” 

Negan chuckled and moved his other hand up, but before he realized what was happening Carl had a knife to his throat. 

“What did I say?” Carl snapped. 

Negans eyebrows raised to the ceiling. “You’re a bossy little shit today. You’re real lucky I’m in a good mood and letting you talk to me this way, you know anyone else would have their face fucking ironed.” he smirked in his usual smart ass way. Carl- well, Carl did not smirk. He only dug the knife in farther. 

“No. No I’m not lucky actually. I’m actually done with being your little bitch. This- this ridiculous fucking attitude that I’m lucky you even let me breathe the same air as you that has everyone thinking I’m just your little slut. It’s over. It’s either over or I’m done.”

“Kid-” Negan breathed out, but Carl wasn’t having it. 

“Shut up. I’m not done talking. And stop calling me kid. Stop. I’m not some fucking kid who lets you fuck him just to get by. I’ve probably seen and done more shit than half your men combined and I’m not afraid of you like they are. That’s what gets you off, that’s why you need to have me- I know it is. You needed me the second you saw me. I know because I saw how you looked at me when you told my dad to cut my fucking arm off. I didn’t care, i wasn’t afraid of you like everyone else and you would have shoved your dick down my throat right then and there if you could have. You think you can break everyone around you, and you can.” Carl took a breath and loosened the hold on his throat just a little. “Except for me, because I’m already fucked beyond repair and you can’t break me any farther. And that’s why you need me. You want this to work? Stop treating me like you’re better than me. I’m done with just being a good fuck for someone. I’m done being just a piece of ass, okay? You want to be with me, then everything has to be fifty fifty. I’m making it known that i have control, just like you. And if you have an issue with that then I’m leaving tomorrow.” 

Carl pulled the knife back completely and leaned back, feeling slightly better from his outburst. Negan brought his hand up hesitantly and put it on Carl’s face- his bad side- and ran his thumb under the bandage. Carl tried to move away from his touch but Negan grabbed him a little harder and held him in place. This was becoming their routine, apparently of their fucked up dysfunctional ‘relationship’ if you could even call it that. Negan still was surprised that so much anger could be contained within the kid. Maybe he had been repressing things for too long and they were all just coming out now, or maybe he was just being a normal teenager. Regardless he knew once Carl got his outburst out he’d come down and come around. But he’d be damned if the kid wasn’t right. 

“Okay.” Negan said quietly. 

“Okay you’re good with me not just being your slut or okay you’re good with me leaving tomorrow?” Carl asked tensely. 

Negan smiled at him. “Well, how are you going to help me run this place if you’re not here?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a clusterfuck, have fun

At first he didn't really know what to believe. He wasn't sure if Negan was just fucking with him as usual or if what he spoke was true- either way those thoughts were pushed aside though when an overwhelming wave of exhaustion overtook him suddenly. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept for longer than an hour or two. Well, he did, actually and it had been his morphine induced drug trip, If you could call that a good sleep. He had felt the adrenaline running through him as he had marched up here, set on giving Negan hell (which he barely did, instead it probably just came out as another tantrum) but suddenly he felt every ounce of whatever had been fueling him before leave him at once. Maybe it was the adrenaline coursing out. Maybe it was the fact that he couldn't be mad at Negan for longer than 5 minutes. Either way it was fucking infuriating, but also exhausting. 

Negan must have felt the shift in him, because he sat up against the headboard and grabbed him by the hips again, pulling him even a little closer into his lap and put a hand on his forehead as if feeling for a fever. “You look like death baby boy. You're exhausted- you’ve slept, like what, an hour in the past 3 days?” 

“How-?” 

“What, you think I haven’t noticed your endless ramblings round the Sanctuary every night? You know you can't keep running from sleep forever.” He continued to softly run a hand down his scar tissue, Carl closing his eye at the touch and leaning in towards him. Internally his mind fought against it and he knew that he was giving in to him- his whole little rant from two seconds ago about being in control being pretty much negated as he leaned into him. But he had said his piece, gotten his point across. Or so he hoped.

“C’mere,” Negan whispered, moving his arms to his back to bring him closer to calm him but Carl sat up and pushed against his chest lightly.

“No.” he said quietly, letting the very small amount of fight that was left in him make its way out. He couldn’t totally give in yet. 

“What do you want baby boy?” Negan questioned, once again trying to read the kid unsuccessfully. He had never met anyone so volatile and unpredictable- he gave himself a run for his money, and that was saying something. Negans hands were on his shoulders suddenly and running down his back, kneading into him and trying to soothe him. He stopped when his hands smoothed over the gun that Carl had forgotten about that he had tucked into the back of his waistband. Negan pulled up his shirt and slowly pulled out the gun, bringing his hands back to rest on his shoulders. 

Out of nowhere Carl moved his face and kissed the hand that Negan had held the gun in. His lips inadvertently brushing over the metal ever so slightly. He jumped slightly, but it set something off in him that he hadn't known was there, and Negan must have seen it in his eye.

“You want me to put you to bed?” Negan asked softly, running the gun down his cheek and Carl closed his eye and nodded. Their dysfunctional routine was coming full circle as always. His hand reached up and closed around Negans and the gun.

“I always had a feeling this would get you off.” he said, with a grin a mile wide.

“Fuck you.” Carl spat back, but also grinning slightly. He turned his head again and took one of Negans fingers in his mouth, sucking on it, bad side of his face resting against the gun, the metal sending something up his spine that he’d never felt before. He wasn’t sure how things had done a 180 so fast- how he had gone from telling Negan he was in control now to wanting this, but he tried to shove the thoughts out of his confused head. He didn’t care- for some reason he knew he needed this. Suddenly his hand was on the gun, pulling it out of Negans grasp. He looked at it for a second before pulling back on the slide and chambering it, handing it back to Negan, who tentatively took it. 

“Shit kid, really?” Negan said slowly. Another beat. “You got a whole lot of crazy going on in that head of yours, you know.” 

“You know I’m not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of you.”

“Not afraid of this either “ Negan said, motioning towards the gun. “But why should you be? Been shot twice and you turned out okay. Great sense of self-preservation you have.” his voice dripping with sarcasm.. 

Carl suddenly leaned forward impatiently and started nipping at his ear again and grinding roughly against him, a moan escaping him. “You gonna just keep talking daddy? Or are you gonna put me to bed like you promised? I need you…”

At that Negan growled and wrapped his arms around him tighter, grinding into him and sinking his teeth into his collarbone where he liked to mark him. Carl's hands found the headboard and he grabbed it. He felt Negan run the cool metal of the side of the gun up his arm, sighing when it reached his temple. 

“God you're so fucking crazy. And all mine.”

“I belong to you.” Carl whispered out, and his hand suddenly rested over Negans on the gun, bringing both their fingers to rest on the trigger.

“Hey...” Negan said cautiously. He just kept pushing and pushing him.  
Carl breathed out again, closing his eye. “Don’t. I know, but I need this. I trust you.” Negan nodded and swallowed thickly. He wasn’t sure if he was incredibly turned on (that was a lie, of course he was) and this was the hottest thing anyone had ever asked of him (of course it was), but at the same time it left him unsettled. Loaded was one thing, a bullet in the chamber was another, but his hand on the trigger just seemed insane. He had truly found someone who could out-crazy him and it was the last person he had ever expected. Negans hand went to Carls chin and he stilled him for a moment, making him look at him, cool metal still at his temple. 

“Stop thinking baby. You feel that?” He dug the gun in just a little, Carl nodding. “Yeah? It’s gonna make you feel really good, okay?” 

Carl didn’t know much more after that- he was lost in the feeling of completely relinquishing control for what may have been the first time ever and knowing that Negans finger was quite literally on the trigger the whole time. It was a pure high that he had never experienced. He hadn’t known this was something he had needed, but it was like he had been drowning and finally had a breath of fresh air. He couldn’t remember the last time he had ever let his guard down and just stopped fighting, stopped running- maybe he never had since things had gone to shit. Maybe he hadn’t been given the chance- forced to grow up too fast, “no more kid stuff.”. Maybe that was the last time he had so willingly given someone control. He vaguely wondered why he had fought this for so long- and then, finally, he wasn’t wondering anything at all. 

//

“I’m sorry about before.” Carl whispered quietly in the dark. He was sated and buried in Negans side as he tried to chase sleep finally, almost there but not quite. But he still couldn’t turn his mind off no matter how hard he tried. 

“Wha?” Negan asked tiredly, already half asleep. The sex had been mind-blowing, and hadn’t disappointed as one of the hottest things he had ever seen, but now he had to resist not completely passing out on the kid from being worn out. 

“I just got pissed.. I mean. I meant what I said...Or maybe I... didn’t.” Carl added quietly, confused, like a child trying to explain what was under his bed but knowing he was waking his parents.

“Whaddya mean?” Negan rubbed his eyes, willing himself awake again. This kid was going to be the death of him, he needed his damn sleep. He was getting too old for this. 

“I went on my little tirade about being in control too and then 5 minutes later got off on you fucking me while holding a gun to my head. So clearly I don’t know what the fuck I want.” 

Negan mulled over his words for a moment, careful about what he said next and trying to put words together in his sleep-deprived brain. Except his brain wasn’t working at full capacity. 

“Stop being fucking stupid.” he finally said unceremoniously, rolling over to face Carl a little better and looking down at him softly. 

“Huh?” 

“ You know it was fucking ballsy to trust someone enough to do what you just did kid. Being in control, it’s about knowing what you need and taking it. Which you did. Stop fighting everything, okay? You think you’re never in control, but you are. If you weren’t you wouldn't be in my damn bed right now. Always gettin your fucking way somehow….” 

“I’m crazy, aren’t I?” Carl questioned, half joking, half really not. 

“A little.” Negan ran a hand down his face again. “But you’re in good company, because i am too. Don’t worry.” and he kissed his forehead. 

“Thanks for helping me getting my shit together. I...I don’t know what I need half the time but it seems like you do. You always fucking do.” 

“Anytime kid. I love you.” Negan added very quietly. “Now go the fuck to sleep, okay?” 

Finally, Carl gave in- to everything- and slept soundly in a perfect, heavy sleep, better than he had in what felt like years. For once he didn't dream of the woods, and the claimers and hands on him. Instead it was all bright and sunny- his dad, his mom, his old backyard. Summer days with Codger. Everything was perfect. It has been vividly real and he woke up with an incredible ache like he had never let himself feel for his family.

 

//

 

It must have been around noon when he finally stirred, Negan lying awake next to him patiently, watching him sleep. He had watched his movements all morning, not wanting to wake the kid when he was finally sleeping. For once it seemed as if he had made it through the night with no terrors waking him. His thoughts kept drifting to last night and he wondered what he had done to deserve this gift from god that had somehow ended up in his bed. 

“So when's the next run to Alexandria?” Carl said it casually, trying to keep his voice emotionless as he laid on Negans chest, not wanting to actually leave the bed yet for the day. The memories of his dreams from last night wouldn’t leave him.

“Hmmm... that would be…..anytime you want it to be." Negan said, as if the answer should have been obvious. 

“Oh. Okay. Just wondering.” Carl said quietly, going back to looking out the window. The answer had caught him off guard- he was anticipating some smart ass comment about Rick. He felt himself dragging out of some kind of awful sleep coma hangover, when you finally oversleep and feel worse than when you were running on fumes. 

Negan sat up a little. As much as he didnt want the kid to go back, as much as he hated Rick he knew it wasn't exactly fair to make Carl choose. He wasn’t the most reasonable about Alexandria he knew but even he had the common sense to realize that the kid probably missed his home. 

“How about tomorrow?” Negan said casually, running a hand through his hair. “You still look more tired than one of those dead fucks and your dad will probably try and put a bullet in my head but that's nothing new.” 

Carl looked over at him suddenly, studying him. He nodded. Negan grabbed his chin and brought it back so he was facing him. 

“You know it’s okay that you want to see your family. I’m not gonna be pissed. I mean, a liiittle pissed at Rick, but I can’t change that. But not at you.” Carl didn’t say anything, just guilty looked at him. 

“I don’t want to stay or anything, I just...miss Judith, you know.” he shrugged. 

“And your dad.” It wasn’t a question, Negan just stated it. 

“I mean. I guess so.” Carl said lamely. He did though, he really did. He missed “home”, and his sister, and Michonne. He felt horribly torn and he wasn’t sure how he had managed to get himself into this mess. 

“You’re not...” Carl started hesitantly. “You’re not going to say anything about us to him, right?”

Negan looked at him seriously. “Oh I definitely am. You expect me to keep quiet about your pretty ass? I can’t wait to rub that in the pricks face.”

Carls eye widened a little- a lot- and Negan let out a laugh. “I’m fucking with you, Christ lighten up a little. Yeah not exactly a conversation I want to have. Though the look on his face would be fucking priceless.” 

Carl rolled his eye, heart rate returning to normal but already anticipating the shit show that tomorrow would be. 

“Today though,” Negan stated softly. “Today you can start showing people who’s also in charge around here.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you for all the kudos and comments!!! <3 I'm having writers block so give me some ideas to help me out where you want this story to go!!!!

They had fought again that day. It had been unbearably hot and Carl was pissy the moment they got out of bed and they had blown up over the smallest little thing. Neither of them could even remember how it had started (the usual shit about Negan being overbearing and treating him like a child) but it ended with Negan being a little more harsh than he usually was with him and declaring that he couldn't wait to drop Carl's worthless ass off at Alexandria tomorrow and finally be done with things. In hindsight he would blame it on the lack of sleep he had had recently, but maybe it was just the nonstop relentless tension between them recently that had brought it out. Or maybe the impending trip the next day- Negan wasn’t entirely sure if Carl would choose to stay with him or end up there, but at this point he realized he had made the decision for him. 

Nighttime found Negan prowling around the sanctuary with Lucille, trying to put off going back to their room. As mad as he was at the kid he made sure he still slept in their room, not trusting to leave him out for just anyone to come across. It had been hot as fucking hell all day and to his relief a storm finally popped up as darkness fell, bringing a delicious cold front with it. After the ridiculous heat of the day he found himself actually enjoying the feeling of the rain on him for a moment until it picked up and quickly turned cold. Soaked, Negan made his way up to their room finally. 

He found Carl on the couch, surprisingly sound asleep, a book across his chest that he must have fallen asleep reading and a hand across his face.The window was open, rain crashing down outside and a cold chill settling across the room. The kid looked so tiny and peaceful that for a moment he couldn't imagine that something so small could piss him off so fucking much. He felt his anger drift away and a wave of guilt come over him as he remembered what he had said. He’d been unnecessarily harsh with him, and even though that was pretty much his MO with everyone he tried to rein that side of him in when it came to Carl. He hated that this was how they were going to leave things. 

Not wanting to wake the kid up since he knew sleep was precious for him he settled into bed, alone, and it felt strange without a warm body next to him. The thought suddenly struck him that after tomorrow he may have to get used to this- or, at least, put his wives back to work. He jumped a little when lightning struck outside unexpectedly, and then an enormous rumble of thunder followed it. At the sound of the thunder he heard something stir from the couch and he looked over as Carl jolted off the couch in a daze. Carls back was to him so he couldn’t see Negan studying him as he rubbed his eyes and looked outside. He saw him jump again at the sound of another ridiculously loud crack of thunder and then heard a quiet sigh emerge from him.

Carl glanced around nervously, probably looking to see if Negan had gone to bed yet, and when his eye met Negans he visibly relaxed a little. But he looked genuinely miserable and had a sad, broken look in his eye and Negan hated it. He wanted nothing more than to tell the kid to get his ass over in the bed this second and to stop being stupid, but he wasn’t about to swallow his pride, yet. Carl bit his lip, breaking eye contact, and laid back down as another clash broke through the room. Negan suddenly felt guilty for not even leaving him a blanket. He rolled over on his side and tried to forget Carl on the couch like a sad, put out puppy dog. 

He wasn’t sure how long he laid there feeling guilty as the storm raged on outside, only worsening. Turned out that he had gotten quite used to having someone warm his bed for him, and the emptiness was getting to him. He suddenly heard a small voice behind him. 

“Negan?” It was Carl of course, his voice shaking slightly. Negan rolled over and noticed he had his arms around himself, probably chilled since he weighed all of about 3lbs. “S’okay if I take a blanket?” 

“No.” he said flatly, and he saw that same look of hurt cross his face as he slunk back, retreating quickly. 

“Hey, no.” Negan reached out across the bed and grabbed his wrist. “What I meant was you can get your ass in the bed where it belongs.” 

He was expecting a fight but instead he saw Carl look around unsurely before he hesitantly crawled into bed, as far away from him as he could. They laid in silence for a few moments until Negan looked over at him and swallowed thickly. “Look, Carl, I’m sorry. What I said before-”

“We don’t have to do this.” Carl sighed out, staring at the ceiling.

“Do- what?” Negan asked dumbly. 

“This. The apologizing thing. We can just..do this and be done and you can drop me off tomorrow. But we don’t have to talk.” 

“Yeah, actually, we do have to talk.” 

Carl glared over at him. “Last time I checked you didn’t require me to to talk when you fucked me.” 

“What?” confusion crossing Negans face again. 

“Stop, okay.” Carl sat up. “Stop acting like you give a shit about me. I clearly know why you told me to ‘get my ass back in bed where it belongs’. We only have one more night to get through so can we just...not?” Another ridiculously loud crack of thunder rang through the room, and they both flinched this time. “We haven't had sex today, so. Obviously…”his voice trailed off.

Negan stared at him blankly, not giving into the bait, which of course just pissed Carl off more. He grabbed a throw blanket off the bed and got up, muttering “Rather sleep outside in the damn rain than with you.”

“Yeah you fucking do that kid. Have fun.” Negan rolled over away from him. 

Surprisingly he heard the door open and Carl leave. Negan poked his head up and looked around to make sure he was gone- yep, gone. Fine. Let him rot in the rain. He sat back down and closed his eyes, wishing tomorrow would come faster so he could get rid of this little shit.

10 minutes later amidst the raging storm outside he realized he was not ready to get rid of said little shit. Sleep was no use and his anxiety over where Carl was has skyrocketed. He got up, muttering at how ridiculous this was. 

He didn’t have to look far for him. True to his word Carl was fucking sitting outside in the middle of this ridiculous monsoon. At first Negan couldn't tell if it was him or not but then a flash of lighting lit up the darkness and sure as shit that was Carl sitting in the mud, seemingly as calm as could be. 

Negan walked through the downpour and walked in front of him, crouching down. 

“What the fuck are you doing? Do you think you’re trying to prove a point? You trying to be an angsty teenager and get my attention?” Negan shouted through the rain. 

Carl didn’t say anything, he just stared blankly into the rain. Finally he looked up and just simply said, “Sit next to me. The rain feels nice.” Despite how cold it was he actually did look like he was enjoying it.

“It feels like death, actually. You’re freezing. C’mon inside. You’re being ridiculous.”

“No I’m not.” Carl said quietly. “You are actually. If you’re cold go inside. I like the rain, clears my head.” 

Negan realized he wasn’t getting anywhere with him so he sat down next to him, mud and all. At least the rain was letting up, but the thunder and lightning continued as the storm moved off. 

“So we going to sit out here all night?” 

Carl rubbed a hand over his face and wiped some of the rain off it. “I don't know.” He looked over at him. “I don’t know anything I feel like. Why do things have to be so fucked up all the time?”

“What, the shitty world in general or between us?”

“I just...I don't understand how I can feel like you're the most fuckng infuriating person in the world but at the same time you're the only one who can even sort of understand my fucked up self. I don't get it.” 

“That's called love, my little one-eyed shit. Welcome to being in the dysfunction of a real relationship.”

Carl still didn’t really show any signs of giving in, so Negan moved so that he was crouching down in front of him and made him look at him. 

“Alright. I’ve let you berate me for the past few weeks and let you get all those angsty teenage frustrations out on me but it’s time for you to listen.” Carl finally looked at him. 

“You’re a really smart kid. You know that, I know that. But sometimes I’m pretty sure Rick dropped you on the fucking head as a child and killed off a good amount of those precious brain cells, because sometimes you surprise me with how dense you can be.”

He looked backed towards the building behind him. “You see the Sanctuary? You know I have wives in there, right? And you understand that I could be balls deep in those lovely ladies right now instead of sitting out here in the shit mud in this fucking freezing monsoon?”

Carl cocked his head to one side with a confused look on his face. “Wait are you just going to insult me this whole time or-?”

“Nah ah ah ah ah. I didn’t interrupt you on your little tirades so you don’t get to interrupt me on mine. Anyways, where am I?” 

Carl looked at him dumbly. “Was- was that rhetorical or you actually want me to answer now?” Negan just raised his eyebrows.

“You’re sitting out in the shit mud in this fucking freezing monsoon and not balls deep in your wives, I get it.” Carl sighed and answered while rolling his eye. 

“Ohh do you? Dooo you get it? Because the fact that you think that I’m putting up with all your shit and baggage and problems- I’m not saying I don’t equally dish you shit back, but let’s be honest here kid you aren’t exactly sunshine and fucking rainbows on a daily basis- the fact that you think I’m dealing with all your shit just so I can fuck you is insulting. It’s really fucking insulting when you pull that shit. So don’t, after I swallow my fucking pride and tell you to get back in our bed where you belong- don’t pull that shit ever again. Ever. You want to piss and moan at me all day that’s fine but I don’t have to listen to your shit when you’re acting like I treat you like a fuck toy. So do you get that?” 

Carl nodded slowly, the rain falling off of him. Negan went to sit by him again and pulled him to him. 

“You’re fucking infuriating, you know that kid?” he whispered into his hair. 

“I’m sorry. I never really...really thought of it that way.” 

“Well start thinking, okay?”

Carl nodded again. “I’m sorry I’m terrible all the fucking time. I- I just. “ 

He stopped and looked at Negan who gave him a look to continue. “ I feel like shit. All. the. Time. When I started to get these migraines I just kind of brushed them off, but. But they’re getting worse. It’s like.It’s everyday, and I can’t even think straight half the time. I didn’t think they’d affect me this much but I can’t control half the things I say anymore, I’m just so angry all the time because I’m in pain, I guess. I thought it would just pass- but then I look back and it’s been a few years and I guess this is just who I am now, you know? It’s really bad on days like today- I think the heat and then this storm- my mom used to say that she got headaches when the pressure or changes or some shit, I don’t know- but it was really bad today. And then I was bitchy as usual and...yeah. And that's how I ended up here. The rain, it does feel nice. Took it away a little.”

Negan pulled him into him a little more and ran a hand over his forehead. “Shit why don’t you say anything when it gets bad?”

Carl shrugged. “I mean, cause it’s always bad.”

“Well. We’ll figure something out. Can’t have you being a miserable little shit all time.” 

“Oh yeah, that sounds great. Maybe we can schedule an appointment with the brain specialist this week.” 

“Smart ass. You know what I mean.” Negan smacked him lightly on the arm. 

“I don’t actually.” He said it with more snark then he had intended, and then moved around in his arms to look at him a little. “There’s only like one thing that barely helps and it’s not like I can go to the doctor or something and get real help. I just have to deal with it. But if I’m extra pissy, that’s probably why. But at least you know now.”

“What’s the one thing that does help?” 

“Uh… I mean. It barely helps. It’s nothing. It’ll sound...dumb.”

Negan raised his eyebrows at him. 

“Sex.” Carl swallowed and shrugged again.

“Oh. That's not ridiculous at all. No wonder you’re such a peach after I fuck you.” 

“Shut up.” Carl curled back into him. The rain had finally stopped a mist had settled over the Sanctuary. 

“We’re going to get fucking hypothermia out here. Lets go inside, okay?” 

They made their way up slowly, shaking off some of the rain but both soaked to the bone, and by the time they had reached the comfort of their bedroom another storm had made its way to them, the rain falling lightly outside of the open window. As soon as they made it inside Carl eyed Negan and then quickly made his way over to him, wrapping his arms around his neck and burrowing into his chest in a rare soft moment for him. The air was different about the two of them, a very noticeable shift having occurred. Negan worked a hand through his hair and pulled him closer. 

“That’s my boy,” he whispered into his hair, like Carl was a feral kitten he had finally tamed. They stayed that way for a ridiculously long time, so long that Negans hair had started to dry, before Negan suggested he take a shower to warm up. 

“You coming?” Carl asked suggestively with a grin. 

“Nah. Too tempting. But I’ll be waiting for you.” he sunk into the bed, watching him. 

When he stepped out Carl jumped a little at the sight of Negan leaning against the doorframe, towel in hand for him. It was so oddly domestic. Negan stepped towards him and wrapped him in the towel gently and kissed him. 

“You're being too nice. It’s weird.” Carl grinned at him. Lightning struck outside unexpectedly as the next storm made its way through. 

“Hey, I'm allowed to be nice. Sometimes. Don’t complain.” 

Negan grabbed his hand and Carl jumped into bed after him, relaxing into his side immediately. 

“Looks likes king hard-ass finally wants to cuddle, huh?” Negan chuckled at him.

“This isn't cuddling.” Carl said through a yawn, jumping a little at the next crack of thunder and digging himself impossibly closer to Negan. “You just make a convenient pillow.” 

“Hmm alright. You're cute when you're afraid of storms you know that?”

“What? I’m not-" another crack of thunder and Carl flinched slightly.

“Suuuuure. Whatever you say.”

“I'm really not.” Carl said in a huff. 

“You're allowed to be afraid of some things, kid. Don't have to put on that brave face all the time you know.” 

“Well it's easier to put on a brave face when you only have half your face left." 

Negan laughed and pulled him closer. “You're such a shit. And I love you. Get some sleep, long day tomorrow.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a crappy filler chapter to get them to Alexandria. Sorries in advance! 
> 
> LittleMissGriff thank you for the fantastic inspiration- I had to use some of your ideas! The Carl/Negan pool is all youuuuu!!

Morning came too soon for both of them, the harsh light filtering in and waking up a disgruntled Negan too early. For once he was awake before Carl, who was sleeping quietly next to him, facing him and hugging his damn pillow because apparently Negan wasn’t enough. Seeing him like this was a rarity, unguarded and relaxed for once, and he suddenly found him wishing it was a much more common occurrence. 

“Mooorning sunshine...” he sang out, running a hand through his hair. Carl tiredly batted away his hand and mumbled something incoherent, but Negan kept wheedling at him.

“Neeg seriously, stoppit.” Carl sighed out and dug his head into the pillow more. 

“Head bothering you again baby?” 

Carl shrugged but dug his head into the pillow more. “Just stop talking.” he whispered. Negan moved closer to him and put a hand in his hair. He grabbed a fistful and pulled on it gently, just enough to cause a little bit of pain.

“Whatta you doin?” Carl mumbled out angrily through the pillow. 

“Shhh...just relax, my little ball of fiery anger. This will help, I promise.” 

Carl huffed but didn’t retort. Negan worked his way around his hair, pulling at little tufts, just enough to put the right amount of pressure and to Carls surprise that within in a few minutes it seemed to alleviate the feeling- just slightly, but it was something-that an icepick was being driven into his head. He still felt the after affects but the pain had subsided enough that he could think straight. He finally let out a little sigh of relief and curled into Negan, finally peeking an eye up at him. 

“Hi.” he whispered out. 

“Hi,” Negan replied back with a smirk, kissing his forehead. “You’re welcome.” He brushed some of the hair out of Carls face and stared down at him, not breaking eye contact in an uncharastically intimate moment for him. Carls eye darted away quickly, not sure what to do under his gaze, but Negan reached out and grabbed his jaw, bringing him back to look at him. They stayed like that until they had lost track of time, forgetting momentarily about the trek to Alexandria. 

 

//

“Well, well what do we have here?”

An hour later Negan found Carl in their makeshift infirmary, rooting through whatever small amount of various medicine they had. The trucks were ready to go, most of the man waiting on him. Carl didn't react to the sound of Negans voice, just kept mentally cataloguing everything and throwing select things into his bag. Negan crossed his arms and leaned into the doorway. Finally Carl turned around and met his stance.

“What?” he asked casually. Negan raised his eyebrows at him.

“You reallyyy doin’ what I think you're doing?”

“Sure fucking am.” 

“I don’t know if you had a momentary fucking stroke or something kid but that's not exactly how things wo-"

“It is now.” Carl started to walk past him but Negan held Lucille out and blocked the door. Carl turned towards him with a glare and then walked closer to him. His hand snaked up and suddenly Lucille was in his hands instead of Negans, who had been caught off guard- guard something that tended to only happen with Carl. 

“You're full of de-lic-ious surprises today, aren't you?” with a huge grin. Carl wasn't amused. 

“Remember when you weren't taking our food? Because you knew you needed us fed to scavenge for your shit? Same applies here. Think of it as a trade. With you-us- coming out ahead of course. People there need to be healthy to provide. And if you think I'm going to sit here and let you hoard all this medicine while my sister sits there with nothing then you're the one with the fucking momentary stroke. It should be there in case they need it. Not a lot, just to get by in an emergency.” 

Negan crossed his arms and studied Carl for a moment. “Alright kid.” 

“That’s it? Just, alright?”

“Yep.” He said, walking away from him. “Time for you to start making some decisions around here.” 

“That’s...no. There’s gotta be some kind of catch.”

“You’re really going to fight me on this Carl?” Negan turned back to face him again. 

“I...okay. Guns. They should have at least one-” Carl knew he was reaching, but it was worth a shot. 

“Aaaaand now you’re pushing it.” Negan sang out with a smirk, his eyebrows raised. Carl stepped towards him and put his free hand on his jacket, grabbing it and bringing him closer. 

“You know I’ll get my way eventually. So why fight it?” he whispered up at him, nipping at his chin.

“Hmm, well, maybe I’ll consider it if you give me something in return…” Negan whispered into his ear. 

“I think I have something in mind.” 

Carl had just sunk to his knees when he nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of someone clearing their throat behind him. His eye went wide and he looked up at Negan, who just chuckled. 

“All ready to go when you are Sir.” He recognized the uncomfortable voice of Dwight behind him. Which was horribly awful as it was, but then Carl jumped up and turned around, seeing Daryl standing next to him, and he was pretty sure he could die right there from embarrassment. Not that Daryl seemed to be all there anyways- he looked like shit warmed over. 

Carl suddenly felt a pang of guilt seeing him there, barely standing, while he was 10 seconds away from sucking the dick of the man who was keeping him there. He could tell himself that they were both just doing what they had to do to survive, but he knew that wasn’t true. So he shoved him to the back of his mind as usual as they walked to the trucks, both of them avoiding any eye contact with each other.

//

Carl sat between Negan and Dwight in the front of the truck, enduring a horrifically awkward silence before Negan broke it with his ridiculous off-tune whistling. His nerves were already on edge from the impending Alexandria visit but the drive wasn’t helping. 

“Lighten up kid,” Negan finally said, elbowing him. “What’s got you all clammed up, the fact that we’re on our way to see Ricky dicky or the fact that Dwighty boy here almost saw you sucking my dick?” Carl felt himself dying slowly of embarrassment even more and glared over at Negan, but at the same time tried to shrink away from Dwight. Negan was trying to kill him, he was sure of it. He suddenly felt the strong urge to throw up, but he shoved it back down knowing he was stuck. He was pretty sure every ounce of blood was in his face. 

“Really Carl, everyone knows i’m fucking you on the daily, so stop with the teenage angsty attitude.” 

“Oh, well, I’m glad you’ve told the whole compound, thanks for that.” Carl shifted uncomfortably. Yep, definitely trying to kill him. 

“Believe it or not I haven’t said a word, no sirree. But you haven’t exactly been trying to hide the fact that you’re shacking up with me every damn night like a bitch in heat. People are smart- well, my people are kinda smart, they not aren’t all the brightest bulbs in the bucket ya know? But they still figured it out.”

“Really kid, relax.” Dwight chimed in. “My money’s on you, by the way!”

“D! You traitorous son of a bitch! You disappoint me!” Negan laughed out, hitting the steering wheel. 

“What?” Carl asked dumbly between them. 

“The pool, kid.” Negan chuckled out. 

“The what?” 

“Our way of keeping things interesting.” Dwight glanced over at him, laughing. “The betting pool of your fate with Negan. Sorry, it’s not as bad as it sounds. But you’re like the most interesting thing that’s happened at the Sanctuary in a bit, and people talk.”

“I-” Carl stuttered out, still utterly confused. 

“The pool Carl, of whether I'm going to kill you, kick your ass to the curb or put a ring on it. Or, as Dwighty here exhibited, some of those fuckers think that you're crazier than even me and things will end up in your favor.”

“My favor?” 

“Yeah, that you’re gonna get sick and tired of his shit one day and slit his throat in your sleep.”

Carl looked over at Negan suddenly concerned for Dwights safety. 

“S’okay kid, nothing wrong with people having a little faith in my boy.” He ruffled Carl’s hair and laughed over at Dwight. 

//

Carl began to slowly recognize the road around Alexandria and realized they must be close. He felt ridiculously on edge and he wasn’t sure why. This was his family he repeated, like a mantra. Maybe it was the act that he knew he was going to have to put on- he’d have to play miserable, as if a few weeks ago things hadn’t gone from him hating Negan to fucking him on a daily basis. And suddenly there were the gates and he had a strong feeling like he didn’t belong here- like he was a true outsider, like this wasn’t his ‘home’. He swallowed thickly, drowning in confusion in being torn between two sides. Negan pulled up as close as he could to the gates and then gave him a glance. 

“Y-you want me to stay here, or?” Carl asked uncertainly. He suddenly realized he didn't know how they were supposed to play this. Was he supposed to stay in the truck like some kind of prisoner or-

“Nah, kid.” Negan reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “Want you right there next to me.”

Carl nodded, grabbing his hat and following Negan out of the truck. There were a fuck ton of Saviors behind them already, and he felt all eyes on him suddenly. Rosita was on the wall, her gaze not leaving him either. He could feel the blood in his head pounding, his headache returning with a ferocity as he stood behind Negan who was now taking Lucille and running her against the gate. He couldn’t hear anything over the pounding in his head- he saw Negan talk, shouting some ridiculous taunt, but he didn’t hear the words, his eyes fixated on the gate. 

Negan moved beside him as the gate opened, putting a death grip on his shoulder. Carl was suddenly grateful for it because he was pretty sure he would have passed out if someone wasn’t holding him up. Seeing Alexandria brought into sharp relief everything he had been ignoring the past few weeks. He was wrong, this was all wrong. He was on the wrong side of the fence. The wrong side of it all. What the fuck had he been doing the last few weeks? How had he abandoned the only people he had ever known? 

The tarp over the gate was rolled back and suddenly there was his dad, eyes locked immediately on him, not on Negan, not on anyone else. He looked like hell, his eyes fixated on Carl and not leaving. And then nothing was separating them, and for a ridiculous moment Carl realized he should put the act on and look to Negan for permission to run to the other side but he realized he didn't give a fuck. He forcibly shrugged out of his grip and walked to Rick, who closed the distance in about one step and grabbed him, burying his face in his hair. Carl suddenly felt like he was 11 again, his dad running to him after seeing him for the first time since the world went to shit. 

“You’re okay, you’re okay.” Rick kept repeating, not to Carl but more to himself. Carl suddenly realized the hell it must have been for him to have gone off with Negan, Rick having no idea what was happening to him. In truth he had barely thought much about Alexandria and his dad when he’d been gone, but maybe that’s because he had been repressing it. But it was back now, a terrible tidal wave of emotions of everything that he had been trying to forget about the last month. This morning all he knew was Negan he felt like, and the Sanctuary and of course he didn’t want to leave. And now…now he didn’t know what the hell he wanted. 

“I missed you dad.” Carl whispered out- and he really had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been having some major major writers block so leave me some love!! It helps me write faster <3 And if you have any ideas fire away!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the love from last chapter! Keep it coming- hopefully the story starts to pick up soon as I'm now getting to the fun stuff :)
> 
> *** I realized that I forgot to say that this is kind of AU after Negan brings Carl back in Season 8- Olivia didn't die because instead of their whole skirmish Negan just took Carl back with him haha. Soooo that's how she's still alive lol***

Rick pulled back and took Carls face in his hands, his hand going immediately to the still healing cut on his forehead. “You okay?” it was now a question versus a mantra. Carl nodded firmly. “Yeah, I'm fine dad.”

A voice rang out behind him, making Carl jump. Something sharp hit his shoulder- Lucille, of course. 

“Well ain't this just a-fucking-dorable as shit. I hate to break up the fam reunion, but Imma have to insist as we got shit ta do!”

He put Lucille on Rick's chest and pushed back a little, Rick's hands going up in mock surrender and backing away. Carl shot a glare at Negan that could have literally killed him. It threw Negan off a little, since after all of Carl's talk he wasn't anticipating this strong of a reaction towards Rick from him. But if the kid was one thing it was unpredictable. 

Carl shifted father away from Rick, not in the mood to set Negan off and found Michonne and Tara standing behind him. Michonne put a hand on his shoulder and started to guide him away but before she got very Negan was suddenly in front of them, cutting them off, Lucille swung casually over his shoulder. 

“Well excuse the shit outta me, where do ya think you’re going Carl? Maybe my memory is failing me, but I don’t recall saying you could leave.” 

Michonne answered first with her usual somber tone. “I’m taking him to get a decent meal in him, looks like he hasn’t-”

“I’m going to go see my sister. If that’s okay with you. _Sir._ ” Carl interrupted as sarcastically as he could, narrowing his eye at him. He suddenly wished he still had two just so he could get more of a point across.

He had known that Negan was going to treat him like this as soon as they got to Alexandria, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. He also knew better than to put on an attitude with him- it might make things too obvious if he got away with too much, since anyone else who spoke to him like that would already have their face ironed, or not have a face at all- but he couldn’t help it. 

“Carl-” Rick started, a warning tone in his voice and his eyes shifting over to his son with a worried look. Carl just shrugged back at him. 

Negan ran a hand down his chin and studied Carl for a moment before leaning back and grinning. “Well alrighty then kid. You should be going anyways, the _adults _have important _adult_ things to discuss. Run along.” __

__Carl huffed out a laugh and made eye contact with Dwight for a second who had a knowing look in his eyes. Michonne put a hand back on his shoulder and guided him away from Negan as quickly as she could._ _

__“Just wanted you away from that fucking psycho as fast as I could.” she whispered to him once they were almost out of earshot._ _

__“Thanks.” he mumbled, anger coursing through him at Negans ridiculous attitude towards him, which was just worsening his headache. They reached the house they called their own and walked into it silently, Michonne following him closely. Carl could feel a slight panic rising in him as he walked in. Everything felt familiar yet entirely foreign at the same time, like he was stuck in some bizarre out of body experience._ _

__And then he was inside and saw Olivia holding Judith, and he forgot about all of that._ _

__“Oh! Carl, you’re here!” Olivia exclaimed. “Look Judith, look who’s here!”_ _

__He hesitantly walked over to her, not sure if she would even remember him or not. He knew it was only a month, but that was a long time at her age. But then Judith smiled at him and reached her arms out to him and relief swept over him. Home, this really felt like home now._ _

__“C’mere,” he smiled at her, and Oliva excitedly handed her over._ _

__“Hey you, you miss me?” he asked her softly._ _

__“She did.” Olivia nodded. “I can’t believe you’re back!”_ _

__“And in one piece,” Michonne chimed in. Carl turned to her, realizing he had barely said anything yet. “We all missed you by the way.” She smiled at him with her best motherly look. She walked over to him and gathered him and Judith in her arms._ _

__“I’m glad you’re back,” she said as she pulled away. “You are- you _are_ back right? For good? Because I don’t think I can take anymore of your dads pining.” _ _

__“I don’t....” Carl started, staring at Judith but also past her at the same time. He wasn’t sure, and as much as he could play it off as it being Negans decision he knew it was really his own. “I don’t know.” He finally said softly. Michonnes face fell and she looked at him with concern written on her face._ _

__“What do you want me to make you Carl? You look famished.” Olivia chimed in._ _

__“You really do.” Michonne nodded. “He feeding you, at all?”_ _

__Carl shifted uncomfortably between their stares. He didn’t feel any skinnier than when he had left, but he knew that he hadn't been eating much due to his migraines and the constant sex didn’t exactly help with calorie retention either. But he didn't understand why everyone was making such a big deal about it._ _

__“I’m fine,” he shrugged. “But I’ll eat anything you feel like making. Thanks Olivia.”_ _

__Olivia went to work and Carl made his way into the living room, rocking Judith slowly in his arms who was falling asleep. He sat down on the couch, Michonne taking a seat on the coffee table that was in front of the couch._ _

__“Are you okay?” Michonne asked him again, seriously, after a moment._ _

__“I’m fine.” He said for the 80th time that day. “Really, I’m okay. I’m not lying.”_ _

__“You _can’t_ be though after being stuck with him for a month.” _ _

__“Well I clearly can hold my own because I’m here, aren’t I? Made it back in one piece like you said.” Carl retorted defensively._ _

__Michonne nodded, her hands on her knees. “I’m sorry.” She said softly. “Your dad's been impossible. Every second you’ve been gone, it’s been...unbearable.”_ _

__Carl nodded. “Well, he worries too much.”_ _

__“It’s his job.” She smiled at him and got up. “I should probably go make sure he’s still alive out there actually. Can’t trust those two alone for even two seconds…”_ _

__“I’ll leave the _adults_ to it then.” He said sarcastically, following her back into the kitchen with a now sleeping Judith. _ _

__Michonnes hand was on the doorframe and she turned around slowly to face him._ _

__“About that. Just- just what is it with you two Carl?” she asked, her eyes narrowing._ _

__“Wh-what?” Shit. Shit. shit. Leave it to the closest thing he had to a mom to figure out he was fucking Negan within two seconds of his arrival._ _

__“You and Negan. You get away with a hell of a lot more than most around him. You two, you…”_ _

__Carl looked at her with a seemingly innocent face, meanwhile panicking on the inside._ _

__“I just don’t take any shit from him. “ He said casually._ _

__“Hmm.” Michonne hummed out. “Stay put. And eat something for Gods sake.” And she walked out without another word._ _

__Carl walked upstairs with a sleeping Judith and after putting her in her crib made his way to his old room. He opened the door to his bedroom to find it exactly the way he left it._ _

__He suddenly felt light headed, his head pounding so bad that he wanted to gouge his remaining eye out. He fell onto his bed, working his hands across his face and trying to relieve some of the pressure. The smell of Olivia's cooking wafted up with a sudden familiarity . He was exhausted, and he was home, and he let the feeling around him lull him away even if just for a moment._ _

__//_ _

__A sudden shooting pain in his shoulder woke him with a start._ _

__“Rise and mother-fucking shine darling.” Negan stood over him with a shit eating grin, Lucille at his shoulder and the obvious cause of his pain._ _

__“What the fuck Negan?” Carl asked angrily, rubbing his good eye._ _

__“Think I should be asking you that kid,” he said as he sat down on the bed next to him._ _

__“What are you doing? If my dad comes up and sees-”_ _

__‘Don’t worry about Ricky dicky, he’s busy. Just me and you here, ‘sides fat ass cooking us a delish dinner downstairs.. But seriously- what was with your litlte piss ass show before?”_ _

__Carl shrugged. “I didn’t do anything. You’re the one who insists on treating me like a 5 year old as soon as we’re here. “_ _

__“Shit yeah I do. How else you want me to treat you? You want me to suck your dick in front of Rick, because I can do that, don’t tempt me-”_ _

__“God Negan shut up.” Carl hissed, not knowing if Olivia could hear anything. “Where’s my dad anyways?_ _

__“Collecting our shit, of course. Stop worrying about him.” And suddenly Negan was on him, his tongue down his throat faster than Carl could realize what was happening. Carl reacted in the next and shoved him away as hard as he could, almost sending him off the bed since he was caught off guard. He wasn’t sure why he had done it, it had been almost instinctual. Only that right now, here, nothing with Negan seemed quite right. Not here._ _

__“What the _fuck_ Carl?” Negan yelled out, looking at him with the most shocked look Carl had ever seen on his face. _ _

__“I just- can you leave me alone for 5 fucking seconds?” He jumped off the bed and started to walk away to clear the air, but he barely made it one step before he realized that his head was spinning from the sudden change and his vision starting to go black. He felt hands on him immediately, and was only vaguely aware that he was being dragged back onto his bed._ _

__“I gotcha, I gotcha.” he heard a far away voice say to him._ _

__“Carl?” the voice continued on. “You with me?”_ _

__He felt like he was underwater, nothing was quite in focus and Negans voice sounded like he was a mile away. He felt a hand in his hair and Negans concerned face very slowly came into view over him. He looked up at him blearily, suddenly wondering how he got there._ _

__“Negan?” Carl whispered out. “What the fuck? Where…?” he trailed off, sitting up and trying to gauge his surroundings. Negans hand went to his chest and pushed him back down._ _

__“Hey hey, not so fast, kid. Just stay there for a second.” He held his hand to his chest, Carl’s eye darting around the room.  
“Look at me.” Negan said firmly. Carls eye shot to him, and Negan grabbed his chin. _ _

__“You know where you’re at?” Carl nodded and swallowed hard._ _

__“Alexandria. My room.” He said softly, things starting to come back._ _

__“Good.” Negan answered back. Carl tried to sit up again only to be stopped once again by Negan._ _

__“Stay the fuck there, okay? You need food in you, clearly. Or, something, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you.”_ _

__Carl shook his head. “I don’t need to eat, really I’m okay. I just have a headache.” he rubbed his good eye with the back of his hand._ _

__“Kid you always have a fucking headache.”_ _

__“Yeah, well….” he drifted off, not feeling like fighting with Negan._ _

__Negan leaned down and kissed his forehead. “Can you please just stay here for a fucking second while I get you something to eat?”_ _

__Carl rolled into his side and nodded, knowing it was useless fighting it any longer. He felt Negan leave and tried to lull himself back to sleep so that he could even get a moment's relief but it wasn't long before he heard arguing downstairs. He laid there for a moment, staring at the window and trying to gauge what they were saying, but after listening for a minute and hearing his name several times he’d had more than enough and he slowly made his way up._ _

__“You bring him back here half starved and barely able to stand and you expect me to just what, send him back with you? He’s been with you a whole month.” He heard Rick growl out as he reached the middle of the stairs._ _

__“I can’t force food down your kids throat Rick, as much as I’d love to force something down there. He’s the one-”_ _

__“Really?” Carl said in an annoyed tone, arms crossed and stopped halfway down the stairs. Michonne was behind Rick who looked (as usual) like he wanted to kill Negan on the spot, and Negan didn’t look very pleased either. At his words all eyes were suddenly on him. He stood there for a moment while they all started back dumbly at him._ _

__“You call me the kid when you all can’t even be in the same room for longer than 5 fucking seconds without wanting to kill each other?”_ _

__A few things suddenly happened at once. Rick moved towards him concerned. “Carl-” he started, but not before he heard Negan say with equal concern in a strange, completely un-Negan like voice, “Hey, I told you I’d be up in a second with food.”_ _

__Rick and Michonne's eyes were suddenly definitely not on Carl, and Carl just stood there with a dumbfounded expression at Negans very obvious display of weird affection towards him. He suddenly felt another wave of panic come over him because shit shit shit how much more obvious could he have been- and then the now familiar blackness slowly spread over his vision and he knew he was going to pass out again. And he suddenly really, really regretted being halfway up the stairs._ _


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late everyone!! I am terrible! I've hit my super busy season and it's been so hard to get around to writing plus I've had terrible writers block. This isn't the greatest, but just wanted to let you know I am still here :)

“He’s not going with you. This isn't even a discussion.”

“Oh I think it is. Look I know you wanna put me six feet under more than anything-and believe me, I want to do the same to you, by the way, but I'd hope this one time you could see that I'm being the fucking reasonable one here, unlike your sorry ass.”

For the second time that day the arguing voices of his dad and Negan woke Carl up out of his daze.

“He was fine when he left. He's very clearly not now. I don't know what the fuck you did to him. And what is it to you? I thought you wanted us all dead anyways.”

He opened his eyes to find Rick and Negan at odds in his room only a few feet away from him in, as usual, a heated argument regarding himself, feeling a bad sense of deja vu coming over him.

“For the last fucking time I didn’t do a damn thing. Except for those godforsaken migraines he always gets he’s been a perfectly ship shape angsty little shit until I brought him back- to you, safe and sound mind you. Is blaming me really more important right now than getting him to an actual doctor? Cause I don’t see one around here.”

“Yeah, well that’s thanks to you, we did have one-and what are you even talking about, migraines? He’s never even had a headache in his life.”

Michonne appeared in the door suddenly, grabbing their attention. She nodded towards the bed, catching Carl's tired eye. “If you two would stop with your pissing match for five seconds maybe you’d notice that Carl's awake…”

All eyes shot over to him suddenly but all Carl could muster out weakly was “Seriously, don't you two ever stop arguing about me?”

It took a lot for Negan to hold back and not go over to him, but he realized he’d overstepped before so he let Rick and Michonne make their way over first. Over their shoulders Carl met his eye for a split second before Rick moved into his line of vision.

“Gotta stop scaring us like this Carl.” Rick said as he sat down on the bed next to him, bringing a hand up to his forehead. “How’re you feeling?”

“Okay, s’long as I’m not vertical I guess.”

“Yeah we noticed. How long has this been going on?” Rick asked, his voice full of concern.

“What, passing out on a flight of stairs? Um, just since today. Passing out in general? That’s just been today too.”

“You’re lucky you didn’t split your head open, you know that?”

“Yeah well I don’t feel lucky, my shoulder is really killing me.” Carl attempted to slide his way up to a more sitting position but he gave up eventually, realizing he didn’t have much function.

“Here.” Rick hoisted him up, Carl wincing at any contact on his shoulder. At this Negan finally made his way over, Rick glaring at him every step of the way.

“Calm down officer friendly, I’m just seeing if your kid has any permanent damage, alright?” Carl eyed him suspiciously, knowing Negan probably didn’t have any real medical training and wondering what the hell he was up to.

“Alright kid, can you move your shoulder at all? Don’t try too hard or else you’ll just fuck it up even more.”

“Uh…” Carl tried but he ended up just looking like he was about to throw up every time he did and shook his head. “No no no”. He closed his eye tight and tried to will some of the pain away and felt what he knew was Negans hand on his shoulder, feeling it out.

“Well,” Negan said finally after a moment. “Appears your bad luck continues.”

“Dislocated?” Rick asked suddenly. Carl opened his eyes to see Negan nodding.

“You sure?” Rick wanted to be skeptical but he knew Negan was probably right.

Carl looked from his dad to Negan, confused. “So, what, that just goes away, right? Nothings like, broken?”

Negan almost wanted to laugh at the kid, remembering for the millionth time his blissful unawareness of many things in the world due to losing out on so many years of access to normal things like books and tvs and movies after this whole shit storm started.

“It means we need the doctor.” Negan said simply, eyeing Rick.

“Doctor comes here then.” Rick said firmly.

Negan leaned back and chuckled. “Oh, so you tell me what to do now? Last time I checked that wasn’t how this whole arrangement worked.”

“Negan stop.” Carl gritted out, grabbing both of their attention. “I’d rather stay here. I don’t feel like having to make that drive and….I just would rather be here.” Ricks face looked rather triumphant.

“Ricky dicky, would you mind stepping out for a moment and giving your dear son and I just a moment?”

“I’m not leav-”

“It’s okay dad.” Carl said quietly, tired of being stuck in the middle of the two. Rick scowled but made his way out quietly with Michonne without a further fight, to Carl's relief. Negan walked over and tapped the door with Lucille, shutting it behind Rick.

“Don’t you think you’re being a little...obvious?” Carl asked as soon as the door was shut.

“Well excuse the shit outta for me being worried about you.” Negan sat down on the bed next to him, putting a hand gently on him. “Listen, you’re going to be miserable until we get that shoulder fixed. We take you to the doctor that's half the time. Doctor comes here, it takes double for us to go get him. And something else is obviously going on to or else you wouldn't keep passing out. You woke up before, you know. But you weren’t with us. Scared the shit outta us.”

“I was awake before?”

“Kinda.” Negan shrugged. “You were kinda glazed over and all vegetable like for about two minutes until we lost you again. Freaky shit. So yeah, you really need to get to a doctor. First we’ll take care of that shoulder and then we’ll handle the rest.”

“How...what’s he going to do?”

“For your shoulder? Pop it back in place. Easy peasy. Pain will be gone instantly.” Negan shrugged, hoping he was playing the simplicity of it off well. He left out the ‘it’ll be absolute agony while he does it’ part.

“And how are you suddenly a doctor?” Carls eye narrowed at him.

“I ...used to see a lot of these. I was a coach back in the day.”

“Oh.” Carl said simply, realizing he knew literally nothing at all about the man and who he really was before all this started, and realizing he didn’t really like the idea of Negan being anything other than...Negan.

“I know it’ll suck in the meantime, but I really want to stay here. I’m sorry.” Carl finally said, softly but firmly.

“Hey. Don’t apologize.” Negan ran a hand through his hair. “I’m just trying to make your life easier.”

“I know.” Carl said, reaching a hand out on side that he could actually move towards Negan. “I’m just tired and this fucking hurts...and... I don’t know.” Negan kissed him on the forehead and got off the bed.

“S’Okay kid. I’m gonna send Dwight for the doc, alright?”

Carl nodded, looking at him as he made his way out of the room. “Are you staying?”

“Unfortunately for your dad, yep. Not leaving you here to fend for yourself with these bunch of idiots.”

Negans hand was on the door when he head Carls quiet voice behind him.

“Neeg?” He turned around and made his way back over to Carl, surprised at uncharacteristic vulnerability in the tone of his voice, and was on the bed in a second.

“What baby?”

“N-nothing.” Carl faltered at the unexpected endearment. “I just-nothing. Go get the doctor so this’ll stop hurting.” Instead of leaving Negan sat firmly on the bed, eyeing Carl and willing him to break.

“I’m just scared.” Carl said hesitantly after a quiet moment. “That I’m dying, or something. I don’t know. What’s happening to me?” Fear wasn’t something he voiced, ever, but he couldn’t help it. He was genuinely scared that something terrible was happening inside of him, and of the pain that never seemed to stop nowadays.

 

“Hey, hey relax.” Negan moved closer to him and pulled him very gently into his arms, watching his bad shoulder. He had never really seen this side of Carl, and he wasn’t even sure what to do for a moment. Every internal alarm was going off, knowing if Carl was voicing was he just said then something must really be wrong. “We’re going to get this figured out, okay? You’re my boy, I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

Carl nodded and moved into him as close as he could. He suddenly couldn’t manage words, but knowing he had his dad and Negan (regardless of how much they hated each other) was enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me some love and ideas of where you want this to go! Helps me write faster :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again so sorry this is so short (and not one of my favorites haha but I just haven't found time like before to write this!). Hope everyone is still enjoying this :)

It was only an hour into waiting for the doctor and Carl was already seriously regretting his decision to not let Negan take him straight there. The pain radiating from his shoulder was proving to be nauseating but both his dad and Negan assured him that as soon as it was popped into place it would be over. He prayed they weren't just saying that to pacify him because he was at his limits for dealing with any more shit his body wanted to throw at him that day. The pain was at least distracting him from the real problem at hand- the blackouts and migraines. He wondered if he really wanted to know what the hell was wrong with him or if he was better off not knowing.

As he had done so many times before Rick sat next to his bed as the hours passed, head in his one hand and his other on Carl's arm, and waited anxiously for the doctor. Negan hadn't returned since he had left to find Dwight, Carl assuming it was to give the two some space and knowing he only made thing tenser for Carl to have them both in the room. 

So far Rick had been quiet despite the million questions Carl knew he must have for him, but it seemed he was waiting on his son to break the silence since he sensed it wasn't a good time to push him to talk. That came to an end when Rick rubbed his thumb suddenly over the still healing wound on Carl's arm from the night that seemed so long ago which made him jump unexpectedly. Rick noticed and immediately turned his arm around, seeing the large gash for the first time. The old scars that littered his arm higher up that Carl had always tried to hide were suddenly on obvious display as he felt his father's eye scan every inch of his arm. 

Whether or not he had seen them before and just hadn't said anything Carl wasn’t sure. He unsuccessfully tried to avoid Rick's gaze, which didn’t last long. 

“Carl.” Rick said quietly, the pad of his thumb ghosting over the wound. “How’d this happen?” 

“It’s nothing, really.” Carl said too quickly. 

“Don’t tell me it's nothin’, it’s something and you know it. Did you- what did he do to you? We have to talk about what happened there. What did he do to you that made you do... this?” Rick asked softly but firmly, his eyes traveling to the old scars once again. At this Carl pulled his arm away and put his hand over the wound as if covering it would make his dad change the subject. He refused to look him in the eye, his gaze fixed on the sheets.

“Carl, talk to me.” Rick pleaded. “This looks...this looks like you did this to yourself.” Carl sill said nothing because he wasn't exactly sure how to even start. 

“Don’t do this” That suddenly caught his attention and he turned to his dad, confused. 

“Don't do what?”

“This. Shutting me out. Let me be your father for once... I should never have let you go with him. You know I’ve spent every second since you left regretting that decision.” 

“You didn't let me do anything. I chose to go, it was the only logical thing to do.” Carl retorted defensively. 

“Just. Please Carl, be a kid for even a minute and let me be your father. Let me help you.” 

“You haven’t let me be a kid for a long time, dad.” Carl regretted the words the minute they came out of his mouth because he really didn’t want to fight- but he also couldn’t tell his father why he had basically slit his wrist, so he did what he did best and deflected. 

“Look i’m sorry.” Carl whispered out as he ran his hand over his face. “Can we just not do this now? My shoulder is killing me. And I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me.”

“Yeah, yeah.”Rick sighed defeatedly and moved a little closer. “I’m sorry, you’re right. Doctor will be here soon, we’ll get this figured out, alright?” 

“There’s medicine in my backpack.” Carl remembered suddenly. 

“There’s- did you sneak it out? We need to hide it-” 

 

Carl shook his head. “Just told him it made sense and that people could provide better if they were healthy.”

“And what, he actually listened to reason?”

Carl shrugged. “He...he can be reasonable sometimes” Rick huffed. There was a heavy pause and then-

“Negan mentioned you have migraines?” Rick asked out of the blue. Carl knew it was about to come up so he tried to just downplay it as much as possible and he nodded. 

“You’ve never even said you had a headache.” Rick continued. Another shrug. 

“S’no big deal.” Carl sighed and then realized he would have to tell the doctor about them either way since that might be a key to his sudden random blackouts. “I mean, okay. They are a big deal. Sometimes they’re really bad.” Rick didn’t break eye contact with him and gave him his ‘look’ to try and encourage more out of him.

“Sometimes I can’t even get out of bed. I can’t eat, can’t look at the light. It’s just...it sucks” 

Rick stared at him solemnly for a moment. “How-how long have you had them?”

“Since I lost my eye.” Carl said quietly, waiting for the backlash that was sure to come from him hiding it for so long. 

“Carl, why wouldn’t you tell me? How does Negan know and not any of us?”

Shit. Shit. Shit, Carl inwardly swore. Well you see dad, I’m letting him fuck me and one tends to notice those things, was the obvious answer. 

“Because they got worse when I was there. Maybe they’re related to stress?...I don’t know. But it was kind of hard not to notice when I was there. I could hide them here before. No one really noticed...and everyone here has more than enough to worry about.” Half true. Nice save, he told himself.

 

“Yeah well it’s my job to worry about you.” Rick stood up suddenly and ran a hand through Carl's hair affectionately. “I need you to try and sleep while we wait for the doctor, okay?” Carl was relieved that his dad had let that go so fast, but maybe he was just taking pity on him since he knew he was in pain. 

Carl nodded, knowing sleep was probably far away but it did sound better than laying awake miserable. Suddenly from the doorway someone cleared their throat, both Carl and Rick being caught off guard. It was Negan, Carl's bag in hand. 

“Dwight just radioed and said he’s on his way back with the doc.” Negans eyes went to Carl. “ You hanging in there kid?”

“I’m alright.” Carl said quietly. 

Negan moved towards Rick and offered him the backpack. “I’m not sure what he brought in here, and Dwights basically having the doctor bring the whole pharmacy, but figured there might be something useful in here in the meantime to ease the misery.” 

“Thank you.” Rick said genuinely to him, though there may also have been a bit of shocked confusion in there as well. 

“Thanks,” Carl started, “but I don’t need any of that. I brought it for when we really need-” 

“Carl.” Both Rick and Negan said in unison. 

Carl looked between them in defeat and gave up as Rick dug out some expired ibuprofen. “Alright, alright.” Rick handed him two and Carl turned them over in hand for a moment.

“Can you grab me some water, dad? And maybe some of whatever Olivia made?” the water he could use, the food was 100% a ploy to get Rick out of the room for even two seconds. 

“Of course. But only if you actually take those.” Rick called out as he left the room. Negan quickly moved over to Carl as soon as he heard Rick hit the stairs.

“So why are you so against people giving a shit about you?” he asked him with a grin, but Carl could tell he was still quite serious. 

“I just like being difficult I guess. C’mere.” Carl reached out for Negan who sat on the bed-but only for a moment- and kissed him on the forehead. Carl liked it more than he let on and grabbed his hand, holding him there for a second.

“You know, you're going soft.” Carl laughed out as pulled away.

“You know, you’re not in the position to be giving me shit.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aren't you supposed to be fucking one of your wives and not here watching over some broken kid?” Carl said it with a grin but Negan knew he was serious. 

He would never get it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always send some love my way to keep my creative juices going!!


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